Teddy Bare

From: Taylor ([email protected])
Subject: Review: TEDDY BARE
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 97 15:25:26 
Organization: Hampden-Sydney College

***************TEDDY BARE***************

Title:   Teddy Bare
Year:   '70s or early '80s
Distributor:   Caballero
Starring:    Connie Coombes, Janet Long, Bradford Neeley
Directed By:   David Kahn
Running Time:   83 minutes
Themes:   young girls, blondes, obsessed dorks
Rating:   0.85 on the Imperial Scale


        God only knows why AVN gave this three stars...  At the outset, let me
state bluntly that this movie really sucked--in the bad way, I mean. 
This was such an incredibly poorly done movie that I can't believe
anyone still stocks it, since although there is no discernible date
anywhere on the movie I'd guess it's from the late seventies or early
eighties.  The really bad part is that the girls here are gorgeous and
the theme is my personal favourite--"young girls"--and the sex is hot,
but I still can't recommend it.  I can't recommend it because the
editing destroyed this movie, turning the sex scenes into the quickest
flashes of skin I've ever had the disappointment of seeing.  *Maybe* I
could understand making the sex scenes brief, if there were even the
semblance of a good plot--BUT THERE'S NOT.  And even if there were the
most brilliant plot in the world, making this the adult film equivalent
of *Casablanca* or another great classic, I couldn't justify making the
sex scenes as brief as they are.  More time is spent listening to the
main character whine about having to get laid and trying to seduce his
parents' young houseguest Teddy than is spent having sex--and, the worst
part is, HE NEVER EVEN GETS TEDDY.  He does have an endless series of
flings and fantasy flings with a host of nice young blondes, for a total
of eleven sex scenes--BUT NOT A DAMNED ONE OF THEM LASTS OVER THREE
MINUTES!!!???  Sex.  This is a sex film.  And there's lots of sex going
on.  SO WHY THE HELL ISN'T IT ONSCREEN LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES AT A
TIME???  I have no idea.  There are a lot of nice explicit hardcore
shots, including a beautiful blowjob by the cutest little fantasy
schoolgirl with ribbons in her hair--but the BJ is shown for a whopping
27 seconds.  That's barely enough time to get an erotically into it, and
then it's gone.  Then she fucks him--okay, great; but for a measley
minute?  This is such a waste of potential that it's not even funny,
because scenes like this could have been some of the best in porn. 
Plus, one or two of the scenes are simulated--which I could forgive if
the real sex were well-filmed, but it's not.  Plus, the main character
keeps having these flashbacks and flash-forwards to the various
encounters--which would be okay if only they didn't cut at lightning
speed from one scene to another.  Surreal, but not erotic.  Plus, and
this is really stupid, some of the flashbacks and flash-forwards are
actually longer than some of the scenes they were of!  That nice but
short-lived blowjob from the schoolgirl lasts about forty seconds in one
of the flashbacks.  I only bothered counting because, quite frankly, it
was about the most fun I was going to have with this movie.  And,
perhaps worst of all, this movie is dubbed with the stupidest loops of
sound, particularly during sex.  At one point, he actually says "Take it
out!  Take it out, I'm cumming!"--right when he slides it in.  The sad
part is that the actors hardly ever move their lips at all, proving that
the reason this is dubbed is not because it was a foreign production but
because they couldn't afford a boom-mike.  I'm not even going to bother
with a scene-list; there'd be no point, since I advise everyone to avoid
this movie unless the schoolgirl motif is so much to you that you'd like
to see one-minute snippets of the sexiest acts which just get you upset
that they don't show you more.  Maybe if you had an editing deck, you
could put together a fairly good thirty-minute tape--FROM THE
EIGHTY-THREE MINUTES THAT THIS ONE LASTS.  Ugghhh...  A 0.85 rating,
seeing as someone somewhere might find this vaguely amusing. 
Personally, I'm thinking of copying the few good sex scenes that there
are and using the original as a blank tape.