Sexual Variations

Title:  Sexual Variations

Production Date:  Feb., 1997

Director:  Unknown

Starring: On the video, there were no credits listed.  On the box (back
on the shelf at the store), there were about 5 stars listed, including
Bionca and Adrianna, but you couldn't prove it by me that they appeared.

Commentary:  I would like to try to start using Imperator's Scale to rate
scenes - he really does have an excellent rating system.  However, this
movie was so lame, that Imperator's scale starts too high for even a
simple mish!  (It should be obvious at this point that this is going to be
a bad movie.)  This movie was in the Amateurs section, but it promised
about 5 star names, with . . . well , I'll go to the first scene.

First scene:  This is the reason I was dupped into renting this movie.  
And there was a picture on the box cover (yes, it's time to lecture me 
about box covers). 

The scene starts out with a girl (let's call her G1 here) putting a dildo
on a thrusting machine (not Symbian).  (Yup, let's rent this here movie
for mechanical sex - literally.)  Guy and girl (let's call her G2, and if
guy and gal together, couple) walk in on G1; ask what is she doing.  G1
says her boyfriend said doing anal sex with a machine first would help
her overcome her shyness (right, and she's in this movie).  Oh boy, this
scene should heat up to be a good one - NOT!  Couple films amateur adult
films, which G1 knows; why is this fake setup done here?  Couple help
take off G1's clothes.  Next comes the long lez kiss betweenG1 and G2;
grope and rubbing.  Guy kisses girls and licks.  Girls finally get his
prick out and start the sucking part of the scene.  Say, where was that
mechanical dildo -the ol' Steely Dan???  G1 mounts guy cowgirl vaginal
and starts stroking.  Now we start the scene switching, and low and
behold, G1 is on her back witha very slow stoking machine mounted dildo
in her puss - and for only a few, ill photographed moments.  Guy anals G2
meanwhile.  Oh, back real quick to the machine dildo and a few fleeting
moments of moaning.  Guy doggie anals G2, cums on her ass.  Flash to
machine dildo still slowly cranking away and a few moans.  Scene over. 
And I rented this vid for this lousy scene!?!?!?!

Ok, so if that's done, let's visit the other lame scenes . . . . 

Scene 2:  Couple enters room with some real hokey narration and dialogue.
This actually is a good farce on the soaps.  She takes her clothes off
and crawls up on him.  He spins her around and lays her on couch.  She
has red hair and a lot of freckles.  On the couch, there's all the
standard kiss, sucks, etc.  Sheis smal l, very limber, and horny.  They
(in order) mish, doggie, anal doggie, cum on ass cheeks.

Scene 3:  (Wasn't the last scene great <sarcasm>)  Doorbell rings, girl
(I think this might be Channone) on couch with magazine says "Cum In", and
in comes a couple of guys who are delivering pizza (anyone want to guess
the rest?????).  She has no money.  Guys make sausage jokes.  They make
bad pizza delivery boy jokes.  She says she never had 2 pizza delivery
boys before (yes, another bad pun).  She starts feeling up the delivery
boys and says "like to seeyour service if you're man enough"  Oh, yes . .
. where are the girl, er, woman scout s and John Holmes when you need them
. . .  What follows is the usual sucky, feely, tongues, etc. stuff that
you expect for 2 guys and a girl.  The guys fina lly sit side by side and
she sucks them (by this time, if you haven't decided that this vid sucks
. . . .) and strokes.  She finally climbs up on one guy with a reverse
cow girl vaginal and sucks on other guy - yeh, the usual.  She CG the this
guy, then back to a RCG on him.  She doggies and then sucks (really poor
lighting here).  He cums on her leg - the other fool never gets in.

OK, now this scene changes.  Don't get me wrong, the music never stops,
and the actors/actress never find a microphone, but the scene changes. 
All of a sudden, a guy comes in and is talking (you never hear anything
but pornomusic) and pointing.  At first, I thought this was the director
and that the guy came t oo early.  The "cummer" leaves as the new guy (who
turns out to be the pizza boss later) takes off his clothes.  Girl sucks
on boss, CG him.  Boss gets her ass lu bed up with his fingers.  The other
guy steps in . . . and . . . .she gets off, sits up, and the boss and guy
jack off around her mouth.

Ahh, now a quick interlude while they hype the 800 numbers for phone sex.

Scene 4:  Two girls and guy.  (Where the hell is the rewind button - I
can't get stuck with another buck fifty out on this damn movie!!!!)  He
eats one girl (figuratively, but . . . well, too bad he didn't eat this
tape to protect himsel f).  One girl on back getting mished and other girl
on her face.  Oh, now he sitsand the y suck, he fingers.  The one CG while
other sits on his face.  Second girlleaves (huh?), and CG girl stays.  He
lifts her and around to a mish; squirts on her ch est.

Scene 5:  Two Asian girls on bed with double headed dildo; boyfriend
walks in.  He lays down and they get him naked.  Sucky, sucky.  One girl
RCG, other fingers and sucks.  Doggie on one girl; squirts on back

Scene 6:  Blonde on her back.  Long fingering/rubbing scene by a guy. 
She sucks him.  Standing doggie.  Mish.  Cums on tits.

Scene 7:  Man standing/girl sitting and sucking; second girl watching
(why don't I end this misery now with a rewind I ask).  He sucks her;
other girl masturbating .  Doggie on table.  Mish on table.  Cums in
mouth/drips/no swallow.

Scene 8:  Two guys, two girls.  Guys sit, girls suck.  Girl suck the
other while getting doggied and other sucks a guy.   Next, one mishs while
other CG. The blonde has big tits which really bounce.  Shift to girl on
back sucking guy/blon de sucking girl.  She rolls to upside down mish. 
Blonde takes one guy cum on big tits and other upside down girl takes it
around mouth.

Scene 9:  Guy and gal - she sucks him, they mish / spoon / RCG / mish
with legs up / cums on tits.

More 800 number ads.

Recommendation:  NONE.  Do not rent this movie even if it is the last vid
on the shelf and on at half price.  It is poor.  After the let down of
the interesting box cover and scene 1, well, it's more interesting to
watch male ducks try to screw! !!!!  If this is the only movie you have to
choose from, go rent a teenage lust film at Hastings or Blockbuster!!