Dir : Scotty Fox
Wr : Cash Markman
Stars : Jonathan Morgan, Tracey Wynn, Sonja, Jenna Wells, Randy West, Alyssa Jarreau, JB and Mickey Ray.
MOONLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
As the original Coen Bros. movie "Barton Fink" is high on my top 100 films of all time list, I was really looking forward to seeing the porno parody. When I heard that Scotty Fox directed it and Cash Markman wrote it, my excitement mounted. So I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment when this stinker flew past my eyes. Badly written (which is rare for Markman), terribly acted by all (including Morgan, who usually delivers a good job, but merely suceeds in being VERY annoying here), about as hot as a wet paper bag (not usually the case with Scotty Fox movies) and just downright boring. Even the jokes are flat. It starts out nice enough as quite an accurate parody of "Barton Fink", but soon just turns into another Scotty Fox "Bash the porn industry" rants, which unlike the superb "Legend" series is neither erotic nor amusing... Wanna here more? Here we go, then...
We open in a neon bar where literary agent Alyssa Jarreau is sitting at a stool. Jonathan (dressed in a cheap suit) stumbles in and falls over on a bar stool. He is a playwrite called Martin Fink who's play entitled "Confessions of a Jewish princess" has just opened in L.A. to a poor reception. She doesn't care about the poor reception, however, as he has had a positive review in the L.A. Times which says that the play is the most erotic work of the season. Jonathan is upset as this was not his intention. Supposedly the play was about his mother, but the producer cast a porn star in the lead and ruined it all. Anyhow, Alyssa suggests that he starts a new career in X-Rated movie writing and says that she's arranged a meeting with the head of the "20th Century Babes" studio for tomorrow....
Cut to a hotel lobby (cheap, bad set) now where Mickey Ray (the bellhop) and the very cute Tracey Wynn (an aspiring actress) are having sex. She may be extremly nice to look at but this scene is just boring, boring, boring... Mickey is a pain in the ass from beginning to end and even (HORROR OF HORRORS!) suffers from wood problems throughout the whole thing! He seems really bored with the whole thing and eventually this rubs off onto her. They just go through the usual motions (oral/oral/doggie/mish in that order) without even a hint of passion or heat (although there are some okay camera angles) before he delivers a weak pop-shot on her crotch. A bad opening scene...
Just as they are putting their clothes on, Jonathan enters the hotel and asks for his room. Mickey, who must be the most untalented "Actor" the porno industry has, makes Gerry Pike look oscar-worthy as he stumbles through his lines (simple things like "have this key, sir") and lets Jonathan make his hunchbacked way to his room. As Jonathan leaves, Mickey says "What a putz..." This is a line that is said throughout the entire movie every time Jonathan leaves the room, (How witty... NOT!) and by the end of this I was agreeing...
Anyway, Jonathan arrives in his room (which is quite a good replica of the room in "Barton Fink") and the next day goes for his meeting with the boss of the porn studio, a Mr Coen (just to prove that Markman HAS seen the original movie) played by JB, who at least TRIES to act as he tells Jonathan that he wants a hot script and makes several references to the adult industry just "farting out" new films every week and if he farts and nothing comes out, everyone gets upset or some junk like this...
To cut it short, Jonathan goes back to his room and tries to write the first part of a script. Having never been laid before (no surprises there considering his terrible fake Jewish accent) he doesn't know what people will say to each other during sex. Luckily the couple next door (Sonja and (GROAN) Mickey Ray again) are having sex, so Jonathan listens in through the walls. This is a really bad sex scene. Again, it's just the oral/oral/doggie/mish sequence with a total lack of enthusiasm and/or interest. The best/worst part is during the doggie, when Mickey is just standing completely still, leaning against the wall with a flaccid cock between his legs, Sonja desperately trying to do something about it but failing. It's a truly pathetic sight to witness, folks... In the end he cums on her crotch. No surprises there.
After the cumshot, Jonathan bangs on the wall to tell them to shut up, and Mickey comes to the door to ask what's wrong. In a terribly delivered exchange of poor dialogue, Mickey asks Jonathan what he does for a living and Jonathan admits that he writes porno movies, but doesn't really know much about it. Mickey says he can help, what with all the experience he gets in the hotel (being the bellhop means that he can screw everybody, apparently. If this were the case, we'd all be bellhops!) and with this he begins to recount one of his tales...
It's that time of the day when Scotty has to put in a g/g scene... Tracey and Sonja are 69'ing on the bed as we enter the scene. Technically, this in itself should be erotic (two pretty girls wrapped up in each other) but for some reason it just ain't. They just don't seem to care less about what they're doing. Neither of them actually seem "into" women. It's just a case of "I'll lick here, then you lick there, then we'll do a bit of groaning"... YAAAAWWWN. I hit FF>> I have to admit. They get a metal dildo out at one point, for those who are interested but it adds no more heat to the scene. Eventually we fade out, as both girls fall asleep.... (I'm kidding on that bit, but they're not far off)
Back to the "plot", which by now has lost all traces of similarity to "Barton Fink" and finds Jonathan sitting in JB's office saying how he's having difficulty getting to grips with writing porno scripts. JB suggests that he goes to a bar and gets laid or something. He does indeed go to a bar where he meets "Bill Dollars" (ha) played by Randy West in a drunken stupor. "Bill" is a porno writer who has ran out of ideas (sounds like Cash Markman when he wrote this movie). He slurs out some crap about when he wants inspiration he goes across the road to see some girl (who turns out to be Jenna Wells) and tells Jonathan to go out and get laid. The only girl Jonathan knows is Alyssa Jarreau, his agent, thus he invites her back to his hotel room for a quick swive...
They begin on the bed with some cunnilingus, before moving to her giving him a rather dull BJ (the "All Fingers and Thumbs" syndrome as seen by VIVID girls). Eventually they move to a bit of cowgirl which is neither erotic nor passionate, before finishing with some remarkably boring missionary sex climaxing in a cum shot on her crotch, after which all the fluid drips between her legs. She rubs it in for good measure, but it still doesn't improve matters....
Suddenly, we're in yet another bedroom (all these sets... so different yet so much the same...) where Randy (still playing a drunkard) is getting a blowjob from Jenna Wells. There is some mildly amusing ad lib here, e.g. :-
Jenna : You say you've got writer's block, eh?
Randy : Now I've got writer's cock!
...and they keep up the exchange of dialogue throughout the whole scene. It's probably the best scene in the movie. Jenna is quite attractive (although she's no Tracey Wynn) and her and Randy at least seem to like each other, which is a start. There's a new position here as well : We go oral/oral/doggie/spooning here, instead of the usual missionary and there are some nice full-body shots. Eventually Randy cums (quite voluminous for Randy) on her crotch and starts shouting some incoherent nonsense about "Dwarves in DP's!!!" I guess he really was drunk and not just putting it on...
Fade to the studio again where Jonathan hands his script to JB. The script he hands in is an autobiographical one based on his experiences throughout the movie. JB says it's crap. I would have said the same... He kicks Jonathan out of his office. End of the movie. I was at least expecting a better punchline from Markman. That's usually his specialist subject....
Overall, this one bites the biscuits... It's the opposite of what a Scotty Fox film usually is. Bad script, poor dialogue, crappy acting, lame sex. On a plus side, this is a silly-cone free film (All natural breasts) but that's about the extent of the positive stuff I can say about it. I'll have to give a 1.95 on the Imperial Scale, which is probably being generous. You don't really want to rent this movie. Check out something like "Skin to Skin" or "Rugburn" to see what Scotty REALLY is capable of on a good day...
Happy viewing!