Distortion

From: "JMT" <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.erotica
Subject: Fw: Reviews # 7 & 8: "Distortion" and "Kiss Ass"
Date: Wed, 28 May 97 12:19:58
Organization: DIGEX, Inc.


DISTORTION

CAST: ANGEL HART, MISHKA, CANDY APPLES, TRISHA COLE, RON JEREMY,
DAVE HARDMAN, TOMMY GUNN, BILLY GLYDE AND RICK MASTERS. 

DIRECTOR: JOHN T. BONE

COMPANY: AMAZING PICTURES THROUGH METRO

KISS ASS

CAST: ANGEL HART, LITTLE SINDERELLA, ALYSSA ALLURE, SUNNY, DAVE
HARDMAN, RICK MASTER AND STEVE HATCHER.

DIRECTOR: JOHN T. BONE

COMPANY: AMAZING PICTURES THROUGH METRO

There have always been several names that could send me screaming
in terror from a porn box. Sharon Mitchell has always scared the
hell out of me. Randy West makes me groan with despair. Ron Jeremy
gets the response you would expect, and people like Dave Hardman,
Steve Hatcher and Rick Masters, the gangbang staples I call them,
just make me nauseaus.

So why, you might ask, would I pick up these two tapes when several
of those names are prominently listed in the cast? Two simple
words: Angel Hart.

A little explanation before I go any further. I have a major league
Anna Nicole Smith jones. (And if you're going to reply by asking
what I see in that "fat pig," please don't bother. I'll take my
big, well-rounded women, and you can keep on lusting after the
skinny, mistaken for a 14-year-old boy, girls.)

While Anna's career has definitely hit the skids big time, even
with the recent weight loss, it's doubtful she'll be what she was
before; I don't think I'll ever see a gleam in her eye as a
ten-inch cock slides up her ample ass. I don't think she'll be
making any pornos anytime soon, in other words.

And despite porns proclivity for big busted, sometimes ridiculously
busted, women, I have yet to see one that bears even a passing
resemblance to Anna Nicole. Until now. Angel Hart, whether
knowingly or unknowingly, fits the bill. For me, anyway.

Angel Hart is drop dead gorgeous, with a figure that most rational
men would give their mother's left tit just for a chance to press
up against it. She's the blonde goddess porn has lacked for so
long. 

If she's this great, which she is IMeverHO, a couple of questions
are raised. One: as the ads for her movies say, what in the hell is
she doing in a John T. Bone flick? Why didn't Vivid or VCA grab her
up? (Don't get me wrong. I'm glad neither one of them got ahold of
her, but it's a legitimate question. She looks ten times better
than anything Bone has ever cast.)

Two: Why, oh why, she fucking guys like Dave Hardman and his ilk?
These guys are like grade z actors. They're unattractive, they
can't keep their dicks hard half the time and I believe Hardman,
once upon a time, actually fucked a pound of raw hamburger meat. I
guess he learned nothing from Jerry Butler's bout with the turkey.

But, for whatever reason, Angel Hart has decided to grace porn with
her presence, and I, for one, am glad. I just wish somebody better
than John T. Bone, perhaps John Leslie or even Tom Byron, was
casting her.

Distortion and Kiss Ass are Hart's first two movies, and even
though they appear to have been shot at the same time, Kiss Ass in
ten times the better movie. While both movies waste Hart, giving
her only one scene at the end, Kiss Ass actually has interesting
sex leading up to Hart's appearance. 

Distortion starts off with a halfway decent scene featuring Candy
Apples and some goob named Rick Masters. I've always been a fan of
Apples, I just love trailer trash, and her shaved pussy and
enthusiastic anal doesn't change my thinking any here. The downside
is too much time wasted shoving a glass dildo up Apples' butt and
the washouts caused by the intense glare of the sun on this outdoor
scene. Find somebody who knows how to work lighting, find Apples a
decent partner and this scene could have been a winner.

The next two scenes were so lame, I've almost forgotten them. The
second scene has someone named Trisha Cole getted DP'd by Jeremy
and some other ex-convict, while the third one has asshole fanatic
Mishka almost going to sleep as two more from Bone's stable of
losers attempt to keep flaccid dicks hard.

The final scene, Hart's, should have been the coup de grace, but
Bone, the two pretend studs and, yes, even Hart, blow it. Bone
never does get the camera in the right position and misses all the
best angles once the admittedly lame anal and DP gets going. The
studs have the standard limp dick problem. (You know, if you can't
get it up for this woman, maybe you should ask Bone about being
buttfucked by one of his she-males. At least that way you wouldn't
have to worry about staying hard.) 

Hart simply comes across like she'd rather be anywhere but where
she is. Maybe she's pissed off at the fact the guys don't seem to
have much interest in fucking her. She has a good personality as
the between shots of her talking to the camera attest. Who knows?
Maybe it was the end of a long day. Or maybe she finds these guys
as repulsive as most people do.

I should say there is a threadbare plot to this tape, but don't
worry about it. Something about Hart declaring she's not taking it
up the ass for anybody, but we all know how that comes out.

Bottom line, unless you're an Anna Nicole Smith like myself, ignore
this tape. If you drool at the sight of overfed blondes, then at
least rent it. Hart is flat-out fucking gorgeous.

Kiss Ass, unlike Distortion, actually got my dick up and kept it
there until the end. There's some kind of plot, something about
actresses giving Hart advice as she prepares for her scene, but
skip it. You're not missing anything.

While the performers lack passion as much as they did in
Distortion, here the sex is actually caught from the right angles,
and the anal, which is what we're all here for when it comes to
these kinds of tapes, is covered very well.

Alyssa Allure, who I have never seen in anything else, acquits
herself quite well in the first scene, taking a good buttfucking
from two of Bones regulars. While Allure's yells of "Fuck that
shit!" are both disconcerting and totally lacking in authenticity,
she appears to be a little older then your standard porn muffin, is
a brunette and has a real body. i.e., it isn't toned or siliconed
beyond belief. I enjoyed this scene thoroughly, due to the good
camera angles and Allure's different from the average porn bimbo
appearance. Hell, I might even watch it again, something I rarely
do, even with the best tapes.

A woman named Sunny makes her first appearance here (that's what
the tape says, anyway) in the next scene and it's another good one,
though not as hot as the first. Some guy dressed like the mad
hatter refuses to share his food with her until she says she'll
suck his dick if he does. You can guess the rest.

Sunny has short blonde hair, a shaved pussy, small tits and takes
some serious strokes up her butthole from all the prescribed
positions. While not the best looking woman to ever grace my TV
screen, Sunny does an admirable job here.

Little Sinderella and Steve Hatcher (aka Jake Williams) make up the
next scene. Sin (please don't make me spell that name out every
time) chomps on the cigar and acts tough, like a seasoned actress
I suppose, but she takes cock up the ass just like the rest of
them, even with her tiny frame.

While I'm always impressed by somebody as tiny as Little Sin taking
a cock up the ass, the presence of Steve Hatcher ruins this scene
for me. He's seriously unattractive, has a small dick and appears
in way too many gang bang films.

If you like Sin, check out this scene. Otherwise, fastforward to
the woman who, if she does it right, will rule the porn scene.

Unlike Distortion, Hart gets a pretty good buttfucking here. The
positions ands angles could still be improved, but Hart's big butt
gets the pounding I'm increasingly wishing I could give it.

The studs are nothing special, but they work her over pretty well
and do deliver a pretty decent come shot to her face. While it's
not Anna Nicole getting her butthole worked over then having her
face sprayed with come, it's the next best thing.

I said it earlier, and I'll say it again. Angel Hart is awesome and
I can't wait until she's in something that'll make proper use of
her, um, talents. If you don't like women of this type, avoid
Distortion at all costs. But go ahead and give Kiss Ass a try. It's
got good, sleazy sex, lots of anal and the new porn superstar.
(Hopefully!)