Cyrano (1991)

Wr/Prod/Dir : Paul Norman

Stars : Joey Murphy, April Rayne, Steve Drake, Casey Williams, Angela Summers, Alexandria Quinn, Madison, Jamie Lee, Trinity Loren, EZ Ryder and a bunch of unknown males for non-sex roles.

PAUL NORMAN PRODUCTIONS.

An extremly bizarre film from Paul Norman, who has now proved on several occasions that, when the mood takes him, he can be a very bizarre director, indeed. Not to mention a very good director, on rare occasions like his "3 Muskateers" flick, from which this one borrows almost all it's sets, costumes and props. But anyway, on to the film itself..

The film is (as the title suggests) a porno take-off on "Cyrano De Bergerac". The twist? Well, Joey Murphy (as Cyrano) does not have a big plastic nose like Gerard DePardieu in Jean-Paul Rappeneau's 1990 interpretation of the legend, but instead has a large prosthetic penis attached to the front of his face! Our hero is very sensitive about this fact (understandably so, I think) and therefore wears a purple velvet mask a lot of the time. The film begins in a picturesque forest with Cyrano and his pal Steve Drake walking through the woods and taking in the atmosphere. Steve suggests that Cyrano removes his mask, which he does, giving us our first glimpse of the appendage. The prosthetic work here isn't all that bad, for a porn film. True, the penis looks more like it was modelled from some kind of ogre-like monster instead of a human cock but even so, it looks quite effective. But anyhow, he takes his mask off and out pop a bunch of robbers from behind the trees (played by EZ Ryder and a bunch of unknown men). He asks them if they're laughing at his nose and if they think it looks like a dick, etc, and they try hard not to laugh, before the whole group breaks into a fairly well choreagraphed swordfight sequence. Steve, however, seems unable to unsheath his sword and stands in the background shouting "I'm coming!" (A pun perhaps?) while Cyrano single-handedly scares off the bad guys. After a while, the bad guys run off and Steve and Cyrano notice two young maidens (KC Williams and April Rayne) tied to a tree. They untie them and walk them home.

Cut to Cyrano's elegant dining room, where he and Steve are discussing the women. It seems that Steve has fallen madly in love with Lady Roxanne (KC Williams) and wants to show his feelings in a love letter. Sadly, he can't write too well and therefore asks Cyrano to write the letter for him. Cyrano does this and Steve skedaddles elsewhere, leaving our big-nosed hero alone in the dining room with the maid, Angela Summers. She is very moved by his love poetry and wants to have sex with him there and then on the table, regardless of his nose, and being as this is a porn film, they do.

We begin with a bit of light oral on the nose (silly) and then Angela lies on the table while Joey does her in the "L-Shaped position" so dear to the porno directors. Before too long, he's on top of her and while he penetrates her vaginally, the nose penetrates her orally! But the worst is yet to come! After this, he vaginally penetrates with the nose for what seems like hours (mish and doggie!) and it's almost impossible not to laugh at how stupid this looks. In the end, he cums on her crotch (weak spurt) and after a bit of licking, the nose cums in her mouth (fake cum, obviously). To be fair, this scene isn't as bad as it sounds, mostly because Angela looks rather nice in it. She has her original breasts, has combed her hair down straight and just generally looks attractive, so the scene works to a degree, despite the fact that both parties are just going through the motions and the nose is a highly non-erotic gimmick.

Back to the plot now, we see KC doing some sword-fight training with Madison while April sits in the corner watching. It's established that KC is more the physical type and April likes to do the thinking and was the only girl who could stomach English classes back in school. That's the extent of the character development here! But, anyhow, KC confesses to have fallen in love with Steve after reading his letter and wants to reply, but being as she isn't too good at that sort of thing, she gets April to write the letter for her.

Now, in Cyrano's study, Steve rushes in, all excited and tells Cyrano that KC wants to meet him tonight under the balcony and he needs Big C's help to woo her heart (and body). So, night falls and KC stands at the balcony window (A nice set, BTW). Steve approaches in the bushes, Cyrano close behind, and calls up to her. KC has April do all the talking for her and babbles something like "your words are like spears that pierce my heart!". Cyrano tells Steve to reply with "My head is spinning as I realize I'm in such luck!" but Steve is a mite deaf and shouts "My is spinning as I realize I wanna fuck!". This is probably the only genuinely funny moment in the film.... Anyhow, KC accepts his proposition (no surprises there) and he climbs up the wall to fuck her. KC looks nice, as always, but doesn't seem too much into it, and apart from the kind-of-nice camerawork (courtesy of Ralph Parfait) this scene is very standard oral-oral-mish-doggie sort of stuff, with a (literally) five second RC in there half way through. They start but then Steve decides he doesn't like that position and they go back to doggie. A major disappointment. He pops on her butt. Nothing special there at all.

Now we cut to the cellar of Cyrano's "castle" where all the female servants are gathered, idly chattering. The dialogue is about Cyrano and KC, but isn't important enough to the plot to bother talking about in this review. They're just going over what we already know. Anyhow, Madison is the boss (I think) and commands the other slaves to bathe her. The other slaves, BTW, are Angela Summers (yum), Alexandria Quinn (YUM), Jamie Lee and Trinity Loren (YEUCK!). To begin with, Madison takes her shirt off revealing an absolutely horrific boobjob. They look like balloons! I mean, I've seen lots of Madison's post-op performances but here they just look ridiculous. If you put a pin to them, I swear they'd pop! Yeeeuuccck. But anyhow, once the clothes are off, the girls begin scrubbing down Madison, as she talks dirty to them. Before long, the scrubbing turns into licking and kissing, as we have Angela in her mouth, Alex and Trinity working on her crotch and Jamie fondling her breasts. After a bit of this, Madison says she's bored with this and wants to watch the girls "play" from a distance. Sooo... the girls wander off and Madison sits down to watch them.:-)

The teams are : Angela and Jamie on one side of the hay and Alex and Trinity on the other. Shame, as it would have been much better to couple Alex and Angela (the two nice ones) and then it would have made the other two easier to ignore... Never mind. The two pairs get down to some serious rug-munching with the high point being Alex sitting on Trinity's face and bouncing up and down. Some nice (but brief) full-body shots there. This goes on for awhile and isn't too bad, before Bionca appears at the door. She is apparently another slave and Madison scolds her for being late, forcing her to lick Madison's feet. Bionca really does look quite gross here so forgive me if this next bit is inaccurate as I HAD to press the F'Fwd button to avoid vomiting. But, if I recall correctly Bionca and Madison do a brief bit of standard g/g fingering before eventually all six girls unite in a kind-of badly put together daisy chain of bodies. The scene fades out after a minute or so of this. It sounds worse than it actually is. In fact, with the right girls this could have been a sizzling sequence. Alex and Angela could stay. Madison could stay, only because she does lots of talking throughout the scene that's pretty cool. However the other three need replacing. [Does ANYONE out there actually LIKE Trinity Loren?] Still, fairly hot, and for die-hard fans of lesbian group sex, it's a must-see!

After that COMPLETELY irrelevant interlude we return to the plot where it seems that Steve's encounter with KC didn't go so well and he wants Cyrano to go meet her and talk to her. By pure coincidence, KC feels the same way and sends April to talk to Steve/Cyrano. So, Cyrano and April stand at either end of the balcony and recite a bit of lame Paul Norman love-poetry to each other before deciding to run into each other's arms. They get a surprise when they discover that neither is whom they expected, but ignore that and just screw. Not a good scene, probably because I don't like April at the best of times, and here she looks worse than usual. There's not much heat, it's all standard position stuff, and by now the nose-gag was becoming tiring. She spends more time with that than she does his real dick! There's a terrible 69 where he's on top and is penetrating her with his nose! Any would-be filmmakers out there who think that nasal sex is the future of porn should watch this and quickly change their minds. It's almost as bad as the Penishands gimmick. But anyhow, the scene ends with a weak cumshot on her thigh and a better-than-PN nose-blast into her mouth and on to her tits. (Not real, obviously)

And... HUH? That's the end? That's it? Four scenes? 'Fraid so. And nothing too interesting in them anyhow. The g/g/g/g/g/g scene had MUCHOS potential but failed due to three out of six being ugly, bordering on repulsive. No anals or facials for the raincoaters. No kinky stuff except the nose, which is a bit silly after awhile (Though admittedly I did laugh to begin with). Overall, this is bog-standard porn-making with only the magnificent sets and costumes (Stolen from "Muskateers") to set it apart from all the other one-day wonders.

For a much better porn adaptation of Cyrano check out Jack Remy's "Roxy" (1991) with Savannah. It's 35mm, it has a marvellous script (courtesy of Raven Touchstone), it has great acting and even some good sex to boot! So, there's your alternative choice for tonite...

As for this one, the only real reason to rent it is if you get turned on by prosthetics. I was hoping that maybe it would appeal to both the fetishists and the "normal" folk out there too, but sadly it doesn't work all that well. Not to worry, though, I give points for effort so overall this gets a 2.00 on the Imperial Scale, if only for the colourful scenery.

Happy Viewing!