The Adventures Of Breastman

From: Joey Markham <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.erotica
Subject: REVIEW: "The Adventures Of Breastman"
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 97 13:46:02

THE ADVENTURES OF BREASTMAN
no director credited.   EVN, 1992.
running time: 112 minutes.

starring: Trinity Loren, Heidi Kat, Patricia Kennedy, Kiss, Tianna Taylor,
 Persia, Taylor Wane, Domonique Simone, Tony Tedeschi, Mike Horner, NickEast,
 Marc Wallice.

rating: 7.5 out of 10 stars (or Imperial rating: 3.00 / 4.00)


Johnny Calzone (Tony Tedeschi) is a happy-go-lucky kinda guy who's traveled
the world and seen it all.  However, one day it's as if a revelation occurs
and he's suddenly on a mission to find a girl with the perfect set of breasts
("Tits, jugs, melons, casabas, cannon balls, bazookas, jiminy crickets -the
list goes on and on").  So he puts ads in the papers, he goes around from 
house to house, he even dreams about finding himself in hooter heaven atevery
turn.  Equipped with his video camera and a raging hard-on, Johnny's quest 
begins with a visit from Heidi Kat who, thinking he's a talent agent of sorts,
shows him what she's got.  She does a little dance number and he asks ifher
boobs are real.  She says yes (but they're not) and Johnny goes in for a 
little touch 'n feel.  Capiche?  :-)

(Scene 1): Heidi Kat, Tony Tedeschi

Buxom brunette Heidi appears very giggly here, almost ditzy.  She might be
a little stoned in fact, but this scene turns out to be decent enough.  She
steps into the room wearing a zebra-skinned outfit but then it comes offand
she hops onto Calzone's 'casting couch'.  Heidi's boobjob suits her big frame
and, of all the 'bigger' sets out there, I think they look good on her. Tony
goes down on her first, then she gives him head with a few moments of deep-
throat.  They get into the doggy, cowgirl, and missionary positions (Tony
wearing a condom all the while) then he shoots his load on her belly.  Heidi
squeals with delight as the blasts hit her body but she doesn't smear it.

(Scene 2): Patricia Kennedy, Tony Tedeschi

Patricia comes to Johnny thinking he's a figure painter of sorts.  Of course,
he needs to videotape her for his 'records', so she starts showing off her
body.  Patricia has a tasteful boobjob and a sexual attitude that could start
a fire.  She also has gorgeous eyes and great legs.  After a blowjob, they
get into a doggie (no condom).  Next, she sits on his desk to have him fuck
her from the front and eventually lays down for a missionary.  For the
cumshot, she gets off the desk and squats down to lick his balls as he jerks
himself off.  Patricia receives a weak facial (what do you expect - the guy
just finished boinking Heidi :-).

(Scene 3): Kiss, Mike Horner

This Brit blonde (or is she - more to follow) has big boobs that are either
real or a very good quality boobjob.  Mike enters Johnny's office and 
presents him with his find and Johnny ends up placing his videocamera on
his desk.  So Kiss and Mike do their thing.  He seems to really love 
squeezing her breasts together and sucking her hard nipples.  She seems to
love giving head.  They are pretty sensual with eachother so far, but their
nasty sides start to come out once he tit-fucks her and laps his fast tongue
on her clit.  They do a missionary then a doggie and he ends up cumming on
her boobs (finally - for a big-boob themed movie, we see some titty-
splattering!).  Ok, as for Kiss's hair.. I'm pretty sure she's wearing a
wig because at the end of her other flick "A Shaver Among Us", she appears
bald as the ending credits roll (if that was just a make-up effect, I see no
reason why they did it - anyhow, Kiss's hair during that movie was an obvious
wig).  During their doggie in this scene, Mike grabs the ends of her hair and
just lifts it up without really pulling or tugging on it, so I feel evenmore
convinced that she's really bald (however, in many other movies, Kiss looks
as if she has a full, healthy head of hair).

(Scene 4): Tianna Taylor, Marc Wallice

This is a weird one.  We just see Johnny walking in someone's house (how'd
he get there?) and catches Tianna and Marc getting intimate in a bathroom.
At one point he poses like a statue and the two lovers are wondering where
it came from (???).

Anyhow, Tianna's a trashy-looking redhead with fake boobs but great legs!
She's wearing black boots and a black body suit, but it (the suit) comesoff.
The orals are slow-moving and the positions (stand-up doggie, missionary)
are ho-hum.  By scene's end, he tit-fucks her and cums on her neck mostly.

(Scene 5): Taylor Wane, Persia

Johnny ends up spying through a window, catching these two honeys kissing on
a couch.  Taylor and Persia (is she wearing an extension here?) are quite
sensual and into pleasing eachother but what's even bigger than both their
boobs combined is the fact that they are extremely wasted here.  They moan
and look absorbed in their muff-diving sessions but they each work wonders
even more in boy/girl scenes.  Persia's got great natural breasts, though.
Taylor always seems to cover up her boobs (and if she's topless, usually
has an arm underneath, supporting them - maybe there are bad scars she's
trying to hide?).  Sigh.. a waste of two hot resources.

(Scene 6): Domonique Simone, Nick East

This one starts off with Domonique, dressed like some streetwalker, standing
up against a set of jail cell bars.  Johnny comes along and approaches her. 
He says she's his dreamgirl but he can't make love to her because she's too
beautiful (??).  He tells her, "Once you climb Mt.Everest, what is thereleft
to do?" (Uh.. I dunno - enjoy the moment maybe???).  Nick suddenly showsup
and tells Johnny to beat it, and he does.  Then Nick gets it on with Dom.

The scene starts off slow but once they do a mish, things heat up real fast.
Domonique's boobjob is a little distracting but her energy is still there.
She begs to be fucked faster, wanting to cum all over his cock but she's
writhing in ecstacy it's difficult to tell if she really does.  They do a 
hot stand-up doggie and Dom seems like a 'come fuck me' slutdoll, she's a
joy to watch but the main gripe here is that bad camera angles don't truly
capture the raunchiness of the scene.  It doesn't help matters any when we
have a lot of facial close-ups of Nick.  By scene's end, Dom's telling him
to cum on her pussy and he gives her a mild popshot (sigh).

(Scene 7): Trinity Loren, Tony Tedeschi

Johnny wakes up from having a dream and finds himself back in the officewith
his secretary Trixie (Loren).  Hmm.. does this mean the previous scene was
the only dream sequence or was this whole movie a fantasy?  Anyhow, in no
time at all, it's back to whipping out his trusty video camera and having
her do a little dance number for him before getting into a little game of
'find the canoli'.

This is a pretty decent sex scene highlighted by Trinity's mouthful mamms
that jiggle and bounce like jello as Tony thrusts deep inside of her.  
Trinity reminds me slightly of Dyanna Lauren, but this girl's the real deal.
After orals, they do a mish and she later turns over on her side to receive
more salami slamming.  Their doggy poke is so-so, then she squats down to
receive a cumshot on both her juicy jugs.  

Overall, this video doesn't come close to complimenting John Stagliano's
Buttman series.  The story's loosely constructed, the quality is borderline,
all the scenes were shot in a studio (with some distracting shadows due to 
bad lighting), and what should have been the main focus (breasts) isn't fully
explored.  On the plus side, all the girls in this video do have big breasts 
so if that's your thing, you'll probably find some pleasureable delightsin 
this tape.  None of the scenes are winners, but there are some hot moments 
to be savoured in this average outing.


Joey Markham
[email protected]