From: Joey Markham <[email protected]>
Subject: REVIEW: "Bardot"
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 97 06:34:09
Organization: All USENET -- http://www.Supernews.com
When you see the box for this one, the cover features redheaded Bardot on it. She's ok looking, though not a ravishing beauty, with nice natural breasts and shoulder length hair. Even the back cover talks all about her; they say they found her at a rock club and when they approached her, she agreed to do this one and only feature ("Presenting Bardot, starring in her farewell appearance," they claim. She actually ended up doing about three movies in her career.) So, having named the movie after her, plastering her on the box cover and inserting a write-up that's all about her, you'd expect Bardot to be the lead star, right? Well, that's not the case for this really, and I mean 'really', poorly executed little feature.
However poor in quality, this video's semi-rich in sex. Forget the dull nature of this production for a moment. There are four sex scenes with three of them containing some genuine heat. Unfortunately, it's the final scene that's a real snoozer.
Do you remember the days when Vivid Video cranked out a series of tapes that featured one starlet as a 'loop girl'? She would introduce the movie for us and actually speak dialog that followed some sort of theme, thus re-appearing in between sex scenes for more discussion and masturbation solos? Well, this would have to be the most weakly constructed one of them all. Gothic porn chick Madison is the girl who appears in between the scenes, that have absolutely no connection to eachother whatsoever. She tells us they're shooting a movie in the next room and she snuck away from it just to be with us. She's in some kind of warehouse I think, or on some really cheap set. All we see is a brick wall in the background, some inflatable dolls, and a chair that is draped with a blanket that has the word 'fuck' written all over it.
BARDOT
director: Nancy Nemo. Vivid, 1992.
running time: 73 mins.
introducing and starring: Bardot
also featuring: Madison, Dallas, Kahlia, Christy Canyon, Mimi Miyagi,
Cal Jammer, Tim Wakefield (Jake Steed), Tim Lake; Steven Strong (non-sex).
rating: 6.5 out of 10 stars (Imperial rating: 2.75 / 4.00)
sex scenes: Madison, Bardot, Dallas
Kahlia, Cal Jammer
Christy Canyon, Jake Steed
Mimi Miyagi, Tim Lake
Madison's a trouper but looks as trashy as ever decked out in black leathers (nearly shoulder length gloves, stiletto boots, bra, and panties) and adorning her piercings (nose, neck, and tongue). She speaks softly and gradually runs her hands all over her body. "I'm a nasty girl. I'm a bad girl. Treat me that way. It turns me on," she snarls as she heats up. Once she removes her panties, she turns around and wiggles her cute ass for the camera. She tells us that she's always thinking about us. Meanwhile, some faint noises are heard in the next room so I guess it's true that another movie was being filmed.. but what a great concept for THIS movie, eh? Just having someone sneak off another set and talking dirty to us? Then insert sex scenes? [Sarcasm mode on]: an extremely brilliant idea if I ever did see one! [Sarcasm mode off]. Halfway through the flick, she sits back and spreads her pussy for us (pretty nice close-up) and she moans, "This is what dreams are made of. *I* think so. You ever tasted a dream? Dreams are sweet. Dreams are tasty. Dreams are what your wildest fantasies are. Is this one of yours?" Near the end of the flick, she introduces us to her inflatable friends (one has on a strap-on dildo in the shape of a cock.. and it's a pretty realistic looking one! Hmm.. has Lorena Bobbitt ever worked for sex toy manufacturer Doc Johnson?) Then she pauses and listens in on what's happening nextdoor. She says, "Listen. Hyapatia's getting it!" (and she pronounces it as Hya-pay-sha.. for so long I thought it was pronounced Hya-pasha). Anyway, she rides the doll's face and seemingly gets off on it. That's practically it for our loop girl. There's no wrap up. Things just segue into the final scene and the movie ends from there.
We see Madison and Steven Strong (a skinny guy with long hair in a ponytail) slowly approaching some residence and quietly checking corners to make sure nobody's around. Madison's surprised that people are still there (I guess the two of them were going to break in - but for what, it's not clear) then we cut to the backyard of the house where Bardot and Dallas step out and complain about how a rip tide at the beach ruined their planned day of fun. So they hang out at home instead. Madison peeps over a fence, but she is spotted by Dallas. She comes up with some story about how her car broke down in the middle of the road and that she really needs to use a telephone. They invite her in, she makes the call, then the obvious g/g/g scene starts when they get her to stay a while and wait around. Once Dallas brings them all some drinks, she accidentally spills something on Madison, who then has to take her shirt off. Bardot exclaims, "Wow, you have really nice breasts. Are they yours?" Madison replies, "Well, they're mine now. I bought them." She tells them she has a great doctor she goes to (really? Maybe she meant s/he charges really cheap.. because the quality of her boobjob isn't all that 'great'). Then once she removes her soaked shorts, they all start getting into it. Sandwiched in between the two housemates, Madison smiles, "You guys, uh.. probably have done this together? Am I, like, the outcast of the bunch? I like being the outcast. That means I get all the new and fun things, huh?" (as far as the acting goes, perhaps they ad-libbed most of it.. but you could tell there's something going on with Madison and Dallas. They seem to not like eachother at first, with some remarks that sounded sarcastic at times, but they later seemed to enjoy eachother's company.)
What results of this lesbian threeway isn't exactly something one would call aloof. Dallas, by the way, is a tall and lanky blonde. Not the more recent, petite actress of the same name with a boobjob (though she has a much prettier face). Dallas starts taking control and Madison squeals about how much she loves bossy women. Soon enough, she's the one who bosses the two of them! Each girl is licked and sucked and it's Madison's dirty talk that really adds more heat. She starts headbanging and getting them to finger her faster and make her cum on Bardot's face. She even gets her asshole rimmed by Dallas, and clearly enjoys it. They all writhe and squeal in unbridled frenzy and I actually did not touch the fast-forward button once. If anyone, I'd say Bardot was the one 'faking it', but Madison gets that curled-lip, clenched teeth look and just keeps eating and fingering away. Dallas was the one who received the least tongue but still appeared eager in giving tongue. However grainy in quality, I'd say this is one of the hottest lesbian scenes Vivid has ever filmed.
Cute Hawaiian dish Kahlia (who served as loop girl for her own Vivid vehicle "Tropic Of Kahlia") is a small chested (A-cup), tan-skinned honey with a mane of kinky-curly black hair and the body type of Lana Sands. As she's relaxing on a lawn chair outdoors wearing a skimpy two-piece bathing suit, Cal strolls along and greets her. Obviously prepared for a shaving, Kahlia hands him a new razor and he parts her bikini bottom to the side to kiss her pussy and take a look at her pubic hair. He tells her she's got pretty pussy hair and wonders what it would look like completely gone (it does look pretty; very thin, not bushy, its design resembles wavy ripples of sand.. like a dune.) During the scene, we can hear the voice of Paul Thomas instructing them what to do, telling Call how to shave her, and so on (why would Paul choose a woman's name as another moniker? Isn't 'Judy Blue' enough for him?) Once Kahlia's all creamed up and put under the blade, she lowers her top to play with her very small breasts. A very lengthy shaving follows as Cal works the razor slowly over her box. Once she's cleaned off, Cal tastes her freshly shaved snatch then she gives him head (I was beginning to wonder if we'd ever see her sucking him! The first few moments just close-up on Cal!) They prepare for a missionary but they get into a doggy instead. That's the only position they get into (sigh). Kahlia's very responsive as Cal jams her. She has nice thick eyebrows and in her side profile, her eyes have that mean, sultry look to them (like Tori Welles' almost). She turns over quickly and spreads her legs to receive Cal's load on her bald twat then we hear PT's voice again saying, "Go ahead Cal. Kiss her pussy." He does just that, then spreads her pussy lips to tongue her clit. Kahlia's definitely in heat and they should have done more than just one position! Maybe if the shaving session didn't last so long.. but still.
This scenario involves Jake going off to the army for however long, so he and his woman Christy say their goodbyes (in their bedroom) then he takes off. So, a certain amount of time has passed and one day Christy is laying down on her bed masturbating. She's wearing a bra and lace panties (both white) and is sensually warming herself up. She sucks her own nipples and softly rubs her clit and pussy (with nice, thin pubic hair with a sandy, dune-like design like Kahlia :-). Christy has amazingly gargantuan natural breasts and still looks great after already having been a part of the X-rated business for so many years. After her single-girl masturbation solo, Jake comes home (saying in a very unenthused way, "I'm finally home from the army" - speaking of Jake, is it just me or does he usually look bored in his scenes? I find his facial expressions often rigid, like he expects so much more out of his female partners, but says "oh yeah, that feels so good" or whatever just to hurry things along quickly?) Anyways, Christy is sure glad to see him! They start kissing and she moans, "I want you to fuck me just like you used to." "I'm better now," he tells her, filling her in on how he learned a few things from his military courses like how to make a girl happy. "But you always make me happy," she smiles. As she unbuttons his shirt and opens it, she tells him, "I remember this chest. Do you remember mine?" He replies, "How could I forget?" (how could *anyone* forget? :-). They start getting into oral sex and she just loves his tongue deep in her pussy. When she blows him (doing so with a concentrated look on her face), he fingers her pussy and she eventually plants her high-heeled feet on the mattress and slightly lifts her ass higher, gyrating her hips to the rhythm of his two fingers probing inside of her. Jake shows her something else he learned; he keeps fingering her and places his other hand above her pussy (right under her belly) and sort of massages the area (something about stimulating her 'magic'(G)-spot). Christy seems to find that exciting and can't get enough. But before she comes, she tells him she wants to be fucked 'for old time's sake'. He complies, but they cut past the initial penetration shot and we already see him fucking her in a semi-spoon position with a condom on. Christy is so horny for it! She writhes and bucks and wants it harder and deeper. When Jake slows down, she squeals out "Don't stop!". Then we cut to them already in the cowgirl position (Canyon has a few pimples on her ass, then again she's only human :-) then they do a sizzling missionary poke that is way too short. She continues bucking and her breasts flop around like fish out of water. After only about a minute into them rockin' the bed, Jake pulls out, yanks the rubber off, and cums all over her massive melons. "It's good to be home," he says (well, he had to say it two times. The editor left in a glitch that had the cameraman telling Jake to re-do that line once he pans the camera up to his face.) But apart from that.. whew! Christy Canyon is smokin'! She may have been around much longer than most pornstars, but she definitely isn't showing any signs of burn-out. Too bad the sex didn't last much longer, but you'll just have to make do with this sizzler of small scene.
Mimi's relaxing outside on a blanket on the grass and Tim approaches her and asks how her day was. She's tired out, so he gives her a massage. He later suggests he give her the old three-handed massage. "Correct me if I'm wrong but don't human beings only have two hands?" she asks (definitely sounding as if she's 'acting' and not speaking in a more carefree, spontaneous tone.) He proceeds in showing her what it is and he asks her to take her clothes off. She replies (trying to sound cute, but just comes off as an actress who really doesn't know how to deliver a line), "I'm too tired to take my clothes off. Why don't you take them off for me?" Once she is undressed, the massage comes into play (when she sees his dick she coyly asks, "Is this your third hand?"). He licks her, she strokes him off before he enters her mish-style, they do a doggy, and she gets a popshot on her ass. Mimi's responsive, but this scene is really ho-hum. Did she enter the business with a boobjob? Her boobs are medium sized here and they don't quite jiggle like the real thing but if they're fake they are one of the more nicer looking sets out there (but she did get them pumped up even more years later, didn't she?) She also sports a very short do, but I like her much better with longer hair (she looked great in Andrew Blake's "Sensual Exposure"). This scene should have come first because this is certainly no way to end a tape (that's suffering already, but still..)
CONCLUSION: Poor quality, good sound. Initial penetration shots are cut out most of the time and we just 'suddenly' see the performers in different positions. Who knows why they didn't make Bardot the loop girl (after all, they named the movie after her!) but Madison's game enough to fill in. Christy and Jake provide the hottest hump while Mimi and Tim's bout is too boring for words. Kahlia has her moments with (the late) Cal and the lesbian threeway with Madison taking charge is surprisingly hot. This movie certainly does not deserve a passable rating but Christy (especially) and Madison made it difficult for me to give up all hope completely. Sure, they might not look their best because of the tape's grainy attributes but they add enough sleaze and raunch to make their efforts worth the look.
Joey Markham
[email protected]