Ancient Amateurs

From: [email protected] (Eric Dew)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.erotica
Subject: Ancient Amateurs
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 97 04:27:19


So I rented Ancient Amateurs #4.  My goal is to give all the older ladies
their due.  This one had three women, doing something similar to Video Virgins.

Let's begin with the good points:

1.  These ladies are all pretty attractive (as I have mention before, I do
like older women, so YMMV).  Certainly, none with mouth full of gum and no
teeth or anything like that.

2.  These ladies like sex.  No doubt about that.  They are on the Debi Diamond
level of sluttiness.  Even better, they're genuine about it (whereas it's not
clear that DD is hamming it up for the camera or she's really like that).
3.  Gaping cunts.  You want to see something like that?  You can here (caveat:
see the bad points).
4.  Energetic sex (caveat: see bad points).  Way better than Video Virgins
and a lot of the others.
5.  These three ladies have the sexiest pussies I've ever seen.  Huge clits,
lovely folds of labia...

Ok, now the bad points:
1.  Don't porn director/camera operator have a FUCKING clue about how to
shoot?  Have the gawddam time, the frigging camera is aimed at the person's
knee or something.
2.  Sound. Sound. Sound.  Do I have to say this again and again?  Can't the
frigging director/producer buy another goddamn mike and place it closer
to the female?  All I hear is this wheezy old geezer (sounds like he's
got marbles in his mouth -- probably dropped from his brain).
3.  Cardinal rule:  DON'T EVER STEP IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.  I didn't pay
to see your sorry back while you take stills of the woman.
4.  They gave short shrift to the women.  All the women were horny and
rearing to go.  All were going to show some extravagant orgasms.  So what does
the stupid ass director ask the women to do?  Give mercy BJs to limp-dicked
hasbeens (Wayne Summers and Damon Mitchell(?)).  The second guy could
ever get wood.  Who cares about the men?  I didn't rent a specialty video to
see the guys.  DO NOT PUT A MAN IN THE VIDEO EVER AGAIN.
    The stupidity of it all is that the women are all getting all workedup
during the "interview" part of the program.  I mean, they're about to go.  So,
instead of showing the "glory of older women," the idiot director drags in
roadkill and gets the women to BJ it.  Watching a 50 year old giving a BJ
is the same as watching a 20 year give BJ.  Bor-fucking-ing.  Even more when
the roadkills can't get it up.  There's no sex.  If I wanted to watch BJs,
I'll rent the 4 hour Blow Job compendium.
    The first woman actually comes -- and as usual, the camera pans to the
face instead of the body (or the nether regions).  The second comes quickly
diddling herself (a bit of a squirt), and then was relegated to BJ duty for
a mercilessly limp dick.  I don't think she came again.  Also, the only
thing we get to see of her is her back side -- not the most erotic 
part of a woman.  That's upper back side, as in shoulders and neck.  Theworst
was the last woman.  She was about to come and told the camera person that, and
he had the FUCKING audacity to tell her to NOT come.  "Ok, don't come yet."
Why the fuck not?  Think she's going to roll over and fall asleep?  I rented
the video so I can see her body shake when she comes.  I don't want to see
Wayne Summer's body shake when HE comes (and a mighty dribble it was).

How to correct it, as if the series creator gives a shit...
1.  NO MEN.  Don't need them.  Just let the ladies handle it on their own.
After they've come enough times, they'll tell you to stop the camera.  Do so.
2.  Better sound.
3.  Get a fucking tripod, you dweeb.
4.  Shut the FUCK up, or get someone with a decent voice (the Video Virgins
narrator has a good voice...sorta like Bob Sagat of America's Funniest
Home Video...hey, you think Bob's moonlightin...naw).
5.  Glorify the women.  Let them wet your frigging bedsheets.  It's not
radioactive contamination, you know.

So, my conclusion is that given a director with some sizable amount of grey
matter, this series could be a great one (at least for folks like me...I'm
sure max volume won't like it).

EDEW