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From: Niklas Zypher <[email protected]> Review: Pirate Video Deluxe #7: Tanya Hyde's London Calling My rating: *****, Warm (I have adopted Adam Film World's grading system since I find it to be the most useful in rating adult videos.) Directed by: Tanya Hyde Runtime: 1h 59 min (+old promos)
Sex scenes: 2) Bettina / Monique Covét / Kevin Long 3) Ingrid von Arsensnatch (or just Ingrid) / Kevin Long / (Guy) / (Guy) 4) Bettina [lez & bj only] / Monique Covét / Kevin Long 5) Chantalle / Ingrid von Arsensnatch / Kevin Long / (Guy) / (Guy) After watching this video I suddenly feel a strong urge to shake its box and see if Monique falls off the chair she's pictured upon on the cover. Maybe it was a bad idea to combine those two litres of tea I had with Tanya Hyde's visuals... But, no; my body is so inured to the toxic effects of caffeine that that alone would not make me jittery. The tape must then be to blame. On the other hand, what I feel down in my groin is not to be blamed on the video, but definitely the result of the tea's inevitable progress, not a rousing of my baser instincts. A hard-on and a headache are a world apart: pornography aims for the one but Tanya too often hits the other. The reason is the strobe effect that is used throughout her videos. It is hard on my eyes and contagious as far as it makes my body nervous (*). In Tanya Hyde's videos people can't be said to make love, and can't be said to have sex. They are just going through the motions, and I mean that literally. Movement is what it's all about; the sex is subservient to the editing, and the editing slaves rhythmically under the beat of the music. Tanya has brought rave into porn, and I wonder if her features aren't meant to be watched with an ecstasy-coated dildo kept at hand. The consistent, high tempo of the editing makes watching the video reminiscent of watching insects swarm about rapidly on some nature show on TV. It's hypnotic rather than erotic. But what makes watching _London Calling_ worthwhile is its brilliant execution. Tanya Hyde and Freddie Morse, the co-editor, control the action with absolute mastery. Seldom do we see film makers in porn who are able to pull off exactly what they are aiming at. Indeed, we seldom see it in mainstream cinema. I am thoroughly impressed with the high quality of Tanya Hyde's work, and the low sexual heat only bothers me in anticipation of watching it. When I do watch it, I'm delighted to see beautiful, kinky, erotic art. In Tanya Hyde's world the women are in complete control and the men are their playthings. I have rarely seen men this much reduced to mere objects, even in porn. Politically, I should be morally outraged (in a masculist way), I suppose, but I'm too intelligent to take offence at fantasy (**). We seldom get to see the men's faces, and when we do, they are more often than not masked, and difficult to tell apart. The scenarios played out on the tape are entertaining and audacious as usual. In the first scene Tony takes a knobbly corkscrew dildo up his butt, which is then followed by the strap-on that is becoming a trademark of Tanya and Tony's (***). Most of the scene is shot with inverted colours, and Bettina looks fantastic in a dark blue hue. Following are such oddities as: Bettina taken by Monique and Batman's arch-foe, The Joker, while she's hanging from leather swings; three men dressed up _Clockwork Orange_ style being put through a bit of the old in-out by a Swedish locomotive of a power-bodied blonde, Ingrid (****); a blowjob in a London cab; and finally ghouls and a girl in a coffin. It's all unusually fun (or rather: unusual fun)! The last of the scenes above has a magnificent piece of imagery where Chantelle rides a strapped-on Ingrid, and the two look just like moths mating! (I told you it was like watching insects, didn't I?) Coffins and moths may somehow go well together, but are hardly sexy. Curiouser and curiouser. The sound is not recorded live, but Tanya's videos don't as much have sound as they have a soundtrack, so that doesn't bother at all. I would recommend this video to anyone who's interested in seeing something beyond the ordinary, and is looking for an excuse to say to people: 'I do not watch porn because I'm horny, but for the art of it!' Zypher (Remove MEOW to e-mail me) (*) The effect actually came as a feature on my old Laserdisc player. I'm sure it's also available on DVD machines. Tanya could skip that particular detail in her editing and let the people with the hardware add it on for themselves, if they want it... which I doubt. It would make her videos much easier to watch if she did drop it. (**) I wonder how porn-haters would manage to analyse this video in favour of their creed. They'd undoubtedly fall back on their nonsensical: Porn is consumed by men; ergo, its hostile to women. Question: What does a person use for thinking if not his/her brain or libido? Answer: His/her arse. (***)The bisexual allusions are quite obvious: androgynous men with painted nails, and high-heeled boots, taking strap-on dildos up the arse... I bet Tanya is just dying to put some gay male sex into these videos. It would fit right in. But, imagine poor Mr Joe Average slipping the tape into his VCR and suddenly having his constipated psyche impaled by visions of the unspeakable! It'd take a lifetime of therapy to set that right. Now, I'm not interested in seeing men on men, but since Tanya's video's aren't arousing to begin with, gay male sex would merely be another odd thing going on. It would undoubtedly raise the quality level of bisexual porn quite a bit. (****) The spelling of her last name, which is only spoken in the video, is anyone's guess. 'Arsensnatch' looks better, and goes better with the 'von' than 'Assensnatch,' I think.
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