The Poonies

From: Joey Markham 
Subject: REVIEW: "The Poonies"
Date: Sat, 14 Mar 98 14:24:59
Organization: One of a number of sharp spiny prickly plushtoys

"Good enough, good enough.. for you it's.. good enough, good enough.. for me
it's.. good enough.."  I remember this Cyndi Lauper song from The Goonies
soundtrack well, but the entire movie is another story.  I must have been
somewhere under 10 years old when I went with my family to see it at the
drive-in theatre.  We owned a small blue Plymouth Horizon back then.  I was
sitting in the back seat with my cup of soda in hand and anxious about the
whole drive-in experience.  So everything was hooked up and we all looked
straight ahead at the giant screen as the feature presentation began playing.
I remember only a few actors from the movie; Josh Brolin, Kerri Green (is
Green her last name?  She had red hair, I remember that), Corey Feldman.. an
Asian kid, some chubby kid.. hmm.. that's about it (besides that mean old mama
and her henchmen [her sons?] and some creature named Sloth).  Does anyone
remember the ads for it in the newspaper (what they looked like)?  They would
show something like a stalactite - seriously folks, when was the last time you
heard or used this word in your writings.. or even 'stalagmite' for that
matter? - and one Goonie was hanging onto it while all of the other Goonies
were hanging one by one onto eachother.  It would change every week.  One
week, Josh was grabbing the stalactite, then Corey, then the Asian kid, then..
etc, etc.  Anyhow, back to my drive-in story, you know that part in the movie
when they show some kind of statue of a male whose penis was broken off
accidentally?  Then Corey (I think it was him) stuck it back on, but in the
opposite direction to make it look like the statue's penis was erect?  Right
then and there, our cable started going haywire (the sounds from the movie
turned into a low humming noise).  So my father got out and opened the trunk
to find more wires.  The thing was, I had my soda resting on the level behind
me at this point.  This level was attached to the back window right at the
trunk door, so when he opened it and lifted it up, anything resting on the
level would fall onto the backseat (I am SO thankful for technology change).
Yup, you guessed it.  The soda was all poured down my back.  Ok, ok, it could
have been worse but when you're just a kid trying to have fun.. having ice
cold cola poured down your body puts a major damper on things (and in this
case, you know that I mean 'damp' literally).  Well, there were no more wires
so we rolled down our windows to try to listen to the sounds coming from the
cars beside us.  Damn.. my story could have been a lot more interesting if I
were able to say that as I glanced over at the car next to us, I saw two
people making out!  But, it never happened (and I'm writing a review about a
pornographic video - what better place to have mentioned it?).  Actually, the
very first time I ever DID see a couple going at it was when I was - stop
right there, that's an entirely different story and I don't want to mix the
two :-).  So anyhow, we didn't end up staying there very long and I think that
might have been the only time in my life that I've been to a drive-in (nah..
could it have been??  Not that my childhood would have been deprived of fun
just because I've only been to a drive-in theatre only once.  I mean when I
was young, my family went out and did a lot of fun stuff.. ahh, nevermind.
Sorry about my rambling!).

Anyways, on with the review that would make Steven Spielberg blush.

THE POONIES
Vivid, 1985.

director: Bruce Seven
running time: 82 mins.

cast: Ginger Lynn, Sharon Mitchell, Amber Lynn, Heather Wayne, Ami Rogers,
Kevin James, Herschel Savage, Peter North, Ted Williams (Wilson), Marc
Wallice, and *introducing* Bionca as 'Lips'.

scenes:
- Amber Lynn, Peter North / Heather Wayne, Marc Wallice
- Sharon Mitchell, Kevin James / Ginger Lynn, Heather Wayne, Ted Wilson
- Bionca, Herschel Savage / Sharon Mitchell, Ami Rogers, Peter North, Marc
  Wallice
- Ginger Lynn (mast.), Bionca (anal-beads) ; Heather Wayne joins in
- Ginger Lynn, Kevin James
- Whole cast ORGY (minus Amber Lynn) [Ginger Lynn takes a dildo-anal]

rating: 6 / 10
or Imperial rating: 2.50 / 4.00 ["Between 2 and 2.50, rent only if you are an
ardent fan of the particular star/genre featured"]

Ginger plays the leader of The Poonies (and her name in the movie is in fact
Ginger, but everyone else is dubbed with names like Lips [Bionca], Bumblebee
[Herschel], Cowboy [Marc], Hook - or is it Honk or even Hawk [Heather; in some
cases (like when Ginger says it) it actually sounds like they say 'Hunk'.. but
a woman with a name like that sounds very weird], Captain [Kevin], and
Motherload [Sharon] just to name a few.  Actually, that's all I could pick
up).  They live in a house they call the Poondocks, which is financially taken
care of by the Captain.  We never see the outside of this house, just a few
rooms (bedrooms and the main room where their meetings are held).

However, there's a big problem.  The Captain has been kidnapped by Motherload
(a non-Poonie) and now the gang is facing a threat of being kicked out of
their humble abode due to a bank foreclosure.  Ginger holds a meeting at the
Poondocks to explain this to everyone.  She is actually awaiting the arrival
of the Captain to explain his reason for not paying the bills on time (unaware
of what's happened to him already) but they are visited instead by his nephew
(Ted) who notifies them of his uncle's disappearance.  He knows for sure that
his uncle was kidnapped because he knows of no signs of struggle anywhere - in
some cases, isn't there a struggle between the kidnapper and his/her victim??
- and has found a treasure map that could lead them to his whereabouts
(perhaps there was more than one map?  More on this in Motherload's
explanation).  As Ginger takes a look at it, she informs the gang about an
area (which they refer to as 'the flats') that is inhabited by Motherload and
thinks that it's worth checking out (meanwhile, we cut to Motherload
'entertaining' the Captain in her own humble abode).  Cowboy says he wants to
snoop around and Ginger tells them all to go search for the Captain.  Heather
(I'll refer to her by her name instead of her character's name) stays behind,
as well as Ted (though he's about ready to leave).  "Well, I guess I'd better
be going now," he tells them.  Ginger asks, "Why?  Don't you want to stay here
and help us man the Poondocks?  Or better yet, man the Poonies?"  "What do you
mean?" he asks.  Ginger looks at Heather and says, "He doesn't know what I
mean."  Heather says, "Well, we're just gonna have to show him then."  So
Ginger tells Heather to put on some Poonie music, and does a little striptease
that culminates into a threesome.

Somehow, Lips and Bumblebee end up losing the others on their way to rescue
the Captain.  Before they become lost themselves, Lips says she's heading back
to the Poondocks.  Bumblebee tags along.  Once they arrive back home, nobody's
around and Lips becomes all frustrated as she wonders where everyone could be.
Bumblebee gives her a little massage to calm her down, which ends up with him
asking her, "Why don't you show me why they call you Lips?"

Once Cowboy, Peter (North), and Ami (Rogers) trespass on Motherload's
territory (which is a farm), they are stopped at gunpoint by Motherload
herself when she steps outside to see what all the animal-racket was about.
She takes them inside her home and they all have sex (as the Captain watches).
Afterwards, Cowboy takes her gun and points it towards her but she tells him
not to make himself look like a fool because it's not loaded.  "You mean, we
could have got out of here?" Peter asks.  "Anytime you wanted.  I don't keep
prisoners," she replies.  Ami points at Captain and asks, "Well, what about
him?  Isn't HE your prisoner?"  But now that they have no reason to be held
hostage, they go off to phone the Poondocks (why not just take the Captain and
leave?  Were the characters originally written to be this braindead??  The
writing credit goes to Raven Touchstone, who also was the assistant director).

Back home, we see Ginger masturbating on a waterbed.  Lips enters the room and
says it looks like she's having a poon party by herself.  Ginger thought she
went off to rescue the Captain but Lips tells her she got lost so she came
back.  When Lips asks if she's heard from the others yet, Ginger replies,
"No.. and I'm getting horny just sitting here waiting for them to call!"  She
thinks for a bit then asks Lips, "Why don't you grab the poon toys and come
and play with me?"  Lips complies and brings a few sex toys over to the bed.
Moments later, Heather enters the room and asks if they have room for one
more.  The more the merrier, right?  Of course they have room for one more!

Later on, Ginger receives a call from the other Poonies.  They tell her
they've found the Captain and give her directions on how to get there.  When
she arrives (the others seem to have disappeared), she finds Captain tied up
to a chair and blindfolded inside Motherload's home.  "Ginger!  My favorite
Poonie!" he says when she uncovers his eyes.  She begins to untie him but he
tells her it's fun being tied up.  "Fun.  You think this is fun?" she asks.
He says that being tied up gets his blood flowing and his juices bubbling, as
well as making him feel vulnerable.  Ginger does end up untying him but he's
become so horny that they fuck right there (his way of saying 'thanks', I
guess).  "See, Ginger?  It's not so bad," he says as she begins by giving him
head.

After sex, Captain tells Ginger that he loves Motherload and wants to stay
there.  All she asks of him is one favour for the Poonies; to pay the mortgage
of the house.  He agrees to it but will write her a check under one condition.
"Anything," she says.  He hesitates a bit then asks, "Tie me back up in my
chair like I was before?"  "The pleasure would be mine," she responds.

Ginger then wanders around the farm.  Motherload sneaks up behind her with her
rifle and pulls another fake hold-up.  All Ginger wants to do is see her
landlord - the Captain, and when she turns around to face Motherload, she
fakes a shocking discovery (that a barn in the distance behind her is on
fire).  When Motherload turns around, Ginger steals the rifle from her hands
and points it at her.  She tells the Poonie that it isn't loaded but then
Ginger pulls out another gun from her purse that IS.  She tells Motherload
that she kidnapped Captain and put some kind of spell on him.  She giggles and
says, "Honey, if I had that kind of power, I'd be rich."  She tells Ginger
that he simply walked over to her land, same as she (Ginger) did.  Doubtfully,
Ginger asks, "You're saying he just walked in and fell right into your arms?"
Not exactly.  Motherload explains how she was walking through the woods one
day when she came across the Captain as he was hunting for buried treasure,
with a treasure map in hand (if he lost it there on her territory and his
nephew Ted also found a copy of it, it would be extremely bizarre if he were
to have found it right there where his uncle disappeared but didn't put two
and two together).  Anyhow, of course, she had her fake rifle on hand as well
but he ended up swiping it away from her and tied her up to a tree.  Then (in
one of the strangest follow-ups ever) she says that she tied HIM up and he's
been there ever since.  (Let's see.. she tied him up as she herself was tied
up to a tree??)  Ginger tells her that the Captain shouldn't have left like
that because the gang depended on him.  They almost ended up losing their
house because of Motherload but she says she didn't mean to do any harm.  If
they want him back, they can have him.  But Ginger says she can keep him as
long as he pays the bills on time and takes care of business.  "You know,
you're one hell of a woman," says Ginger.  "Takes one to know one," Motherload
adds, and before the Poonie leaves she tells her to drop by again sometime.
Ginger says they'll be having a Poon Party that night and invites Motherload.

That night, before commencing the Poon orgy, they all make a toast.  Ginger
says, "To the Poondocks and all the Poonies that live here!"  They cheer.  Ted
adds, "To Motherload and my uncle, the Captain.  May they be tied to eachother
happily ever after!"  Another cheer.  Motherload then adds, "Live and let
poon, I always say!" and they all fuck.  By the end of it, Ginger tells them,
"Poon parties don't get any better than this!"  The end.

What also doesn't get any better than this as far as real-boob lovers are
concerned, is that all the women featured in this video sport natural breasts.
But what *could* have been much better is the sex.  There's a lot of
intercutting between couples, and in some cases there are some dialog
sequences that further prolong the sex from getting hot.  There might be a lot
of scenes in this video but most of them are too short and contain many cut-
to's (we see the girl giving head, then right away they're in cowgirl, then
right away in reverse-cowgirl, etc).  The opening theme song is a parody of
the mainstream version but contains no humourous lyrics (something like "The
poonies are.. alright now.. (etc)" in place of "Good enough.. for you, it's.."
I didn't really pick up on all the words and at first listen, the girl who
sings it sounds a bit like Cyndi Lauper too).  This song also plays in the
final orgy sequence, near the end.

Ginger Lynn has an incredible, all-natural body.  One of the most perfect that
I've ever seen in porn.  This is my opinion of course, but I can't consider a
starlet that has implants to have a 'perfect' body because I feel that if
she's perfect, then she's not made up of any surgical enhancements whatsoever
(which makes her flawless and 'untouched' in any way).  What I like even more
is that when she arches her back, her rib cage doesn't protrude much.  Her
first round is with Heather and Ted that starts with Miss Lynn doing a little
striptease for us.  The camera goes in for some nice close-ups (with some
panning, pretty much from her thighs and up).  We get a good shot of her butt
after she slides out of her skirt (but remains in panties, which come off
soonafter).  She turns around and we see her pussy (she has a small patch of
pubic hair).  The music that plays here while she strips, I know I've heard
before basically because of the way a note from a guitar (or banjo or
something) goes off-key whenever it's played.  Even though Heather helps her
blonde friend suck off Ted, it's Ginger who gets the dicking.  The girls each
face-sit him (Ginger sticks a finger in her ass when he licks her), then she
does a cowgirl and doggy.  Meanwhile, Heather is licked by Ginger or Ted (and
the girls briefly french kiss; nothing prolonged).  The scene ends with a
faked internal cumshot.  He 'orgasms', then lowers himself closer to Ginger's
body as he's still 'inside' of her (what's the use of a faked-internal
cumshot?  I guess it would be a different story if we actually saw him
withdraw from her pussy with sperm oozing out of it - for 'taboo' value - but
that's certainly not the case here).

Before her lesbian threeway, we see Ginger alone on a waterbed as she
masturbates.  She looks to be in bliss as she's laying on her stomach and
reaching behind with both hands to stick one finger in her pussy and another
in her ass.  With Bionca, Ginger sucks on her left nipple (and we know that
Bionca's got long, jutting nipples - but they don't really focus on them) and
teases it by sticking a hair-clip on it.  Ginger then has a taste of the
brunette's pussy before sitting her own pussy near Bionca's face for a brief
finger probing.  Heather eventually joins in and she and Bionca both bring
their heads close together as they tease Ginger's clit and pussy with their
tongues.  Both women also inserts fingers in Ginger's pussy at the same time
but our view is marred mostly by Bionca's head (the camera is above looking
down at this point).  Next up, if you're a fan of the ol' string of anal
beads, we get a good close-up of Bionca's anus as Ginger slowly inserts five
beads inside of it...  Bionca's tasting Heather now, but more focus is on the
beads.  Ginger even sticks three fingers in the brunette's pussy and
eventually uses a vibrator.  The scene ends after Miss Lynn pulls the beads
out (I'm not very fond of anal beads.  Whenever I see them being pulled out of
a woman's anus, the slightly forced look as each bead is yanked out kinda
looks like it hurts even more so than just having a long dildo doing the anal
penetration instead.  Different strokes for different folks because I realize
that a dildo is much thicker, but I kinda feel a twitch coming on each time a
bead 'pops' out).

Ginger's scene with (the late) Kevin James is the only boy/girl pairing that
is not interrupted or intercut.  Still, there are no prolonged moments here.
She gives him head, he licks her pussy from behind, and they do a reverse-
cowgirl.  Next is cowgirl, then both of them sit up with their hands on the
ground behind them as they continue to bump 'n grind.  She blows him again
before getting back to cowgirl and they kiss as they shift into the missionary
position.  Finally, it's doggy style before he pulls out and cums a bit on her
ass.  She then twists around and lowers herself to jerk him and suck him off
(no facial).  As for Mr.James himself, may he rest in peace but there was
always something about him that made me think of him as a true 'raincoater' or
'pervert'.  I could very much picture him with a trenchcoat and standing in
some dark alleyway just waiting for something sleazy to happen (there's
something about his smile and that slightly creepy look in his eyes that gives
me this impression).

Amber Lynn plays Peter's girlfriend who fucks him at the start of the movie
then ends up taking off someplace afterwards (let's just say she's not a major
character).  They are both on a waterbed and Amber starts things off by giving
him sensual head, that has her bobbing up and down rhythmically (and almost
deep throating him) as she makes him harder.  At this point earlier in her
career, Amber was of course natural chested (getting her boobs done sometime
in the early 90's) and has a nice looking body; not of skin-and-bones variety
but not obese.  She also has her blonde hair up throughout the scene.  Peter
(wearing a bandana and sporting a fake earring) licks her clit before they do
it doggy style (all filmed from a side-view).  A reverse cowgirl follows, then
she reaches down and pulls his cock out when he cums.  She jerks him off near
her pussy and on her stomach, which she smears around.  Then she climbs off of
him and gives him more head.  This scene is intercut with Heather and Marc
(their dialog bit before they fuck has Heather a little worried about having
no place to stay.  I almost forgot that Marc had short hair in the 80's!).
Heather Wayne is a natural bodied dirty blonde who has looked better (she's
had better hair days).  Their bout is alright, but I found Amber and Peter
better.  Marc sucks her nipple then works his way down to her pussy,
eventually inserting two fingers inside of it (and we get a good close-up of
it as he's knuckles-deep).  He removes his fingers and works his mouth on her
muff before she blows him (his dirty talk is pretty much inaudible).  First
they do a reverse cowgirl, which gradually has Wallice lifting her up from
under her thighs as he stands.  Next is doggy (with some nice penetration
shots) then he cums on her ass.  Not quite as copious as his usual cumshots
nowadays but he still outdoes T.T. Boy on a good day.

Sharon Mitchell is a lean sexmachine (obviously younger looking here; and she
looks appealing to me - the key word is 'here' but I am referring to her early
80's appearances) who seems to have a bit of a dominant nature but never goes
over-the-top here.  The first time we see her is when she's entertaining Kevin
in her home.  She's scantily clad, with Kevin softly begging to see more of
her flesh, then we see her blow him for something like ten SECONDS (probably
less).  A doggy is next but that is cut off by some dialog down at the
poondocks.  We cut back to them once the threeway with Ginger happens.  Sharon
and Kevin do a cowgirl, r-c, then back to cowgirl (with eventual 'hands on the
ground behind them for support' as they sit up: like what I described in the
Ginger/Kevin pairing).  A mish follows then Kevin lays back as she strokes him
off a bit.  He takes over for a few more moments and ends up cumming on her
inner thigh and pubes.  Back to the way Sharon looks here, she has her usual
short do and I find her appeal rather sophisticated but I don't care much for
her more recent appearances.  I once saw her in a 90's tape called "Weekend
Blues" where she had shoulder length hair which did NOT work.  I've also
always thought that she was going to be one of the many pornstars to gradually
go under the butcher's knife, but thankfully she's proven me wrong.

Even though this might be Bionca's first adult appearance (remember that this
is a 1985 title), she still does not appear fresh-faced. How old was she when
she started?.  But she sure shows moments of pleasure with Herschel when they
do cowgirl and reverse cowgirl.  She's definitely intense when she wants to be
(and sports her small natural breasts here; not that she opted for really huge
implants when she had the augmentation done anyways).  She and Herschel are on
a bed kissing, then she blows him (eager, but short-running) as he moans to
her how good it is.  A 69 follows, then a missionary (or at least sort of -
she's laying down and he's kneeling between her legs with his cock in her
pussy; kinda like he could hold onto one of her legs and bring her knee to his
chest.  This lasts briefly then they do a traditional mish.)  Then doggy,
cowgirl (hot), r-c (hot), spoon, then a weak popshot on her inner thigh and
above her pussy.

The scene intercut with Bionca/Herschel has Sharon, Ami, Peter, and Marc
cavorting in Mitchell's home (that starts with the guys knelt down and licking
Ami as she's standing).  Ami (slim brunette with curly shoulder length hair
and medium natural breasts that look a tad too big for her skinny frame) blows
Marc then rides him r-c as he's sitting in a chair.  Meanwhile, Sharon takes
care of Peter.  She gives him head (and says something like, "Now I know why
they call you [something]" - what IS his character's name?  I never did catch
it), followed by cowgirl, spoon, then doggy.  Ami gets boned doggy then mish.
Both guys eventually cum at the same time (Peter first all over Sharon's
backside, and Marc on Ami's stomach).  It's an ok orgy scene with the girls
briefly interacting with eachother.

Speaking of orgies, the movie ends with one.  Everyone is paired off after
Ginger exclaims, "It's poon time!" and they all undress.  The pairings are:
Bionca/Marc, Ami/Peter/Kevin, Heather/Herschel/Ted, and Sharon/Ginger.  The
two women kiss and do a brief 69 then as Ginger is on her hands and knees,
Sharon slowly uses a vibrator on her which is eventually worked in her ass
(decent angles of it).  Sharon's not nasty about it at all, just working about
an inch of the sex toy in Ginger's ass.  Bionca and Marc are slightly intense
and the g/g pairing is eventually split up.  Sharon goes over to kiss Ted
(whom she eventually jerks off to a cum; getting none of it on her face when
she strokes him at first but then sucking him off and smearing a bit on her
chin) and Ginger fucks Peter.  They do a doggy with a nice shot of Ginger
thrusting back and forth on his pecker.  Finally, she blows him off and gets a
streak or two across her face and in her mouth, which appears to have been
spat out.  Bionca gets Marc's cumshot on her belly/pubes, Ami also gets it on
her belly by Kevin, and Heather gets her stomach showered on by Herschel after
mish.  This orgy sequence is nothing to write home about but contains a few
hot spots (but no real highlights).

If you don't mind seeing Ginger in plenty of non-sex scenes, then you'll enjoy
this tape.  As for the sex scenes themselves, most of them are relatively
shorter than average and are of 'slightly hot in spots but not scorching'
variety.  My pick would have to be Ginger, as she is the lead star and
featured a lot, but if you're not a die-hard fan of hers then you'll find this
video to be just average (maybe even less so).  Most of the sex action loses
continuity because of cut-to's instead of actually seeing the performers shift
into the different positions (which contributes to making the scenes shorter).
As for this being a spoof of a mainstream movie, Bruce Seven just did
something simple (no stylish or complicated sets/costumes) and I found the
acting to be decent enough (Ginger's acting is nowhere near top-notch but at
least she says her lines without sounding like she tried hard at memorizing
them: I comment solely on her since she has gone out on her own in a handful
of mainstream B-movies).  This feature's nothing special but might suffice for
those of you who enjoy a little fun-filled story with your poon.. I mean, porn
(no big difference really :-).


Joey Markham
[email protected]
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