New Wave Hookers 5

From: Jamal Dunbar 
Subject: Review: New Wave Hookers 5
Date: Sun, 07 Dec 97 10:30:22
Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016

# New Wave Hookers 5
c 1.9 2/97 VCA, Michael Ninn
.. Juli Ashton, Asia Carrera, Felicia
.. Sindee Coxx, Kim Kataine, Ashley Renee, Roxanne Hall (Megatron Girls)
.. Anna Malle {ac.D;e.F}, Jeanna Fine {ac.M;e.F} Sean Michaels
.. Sunset Thomas (Jeanna and Anna probe her)
.. Lea Martini, Bruno SX, Nikita
.. Vicca, Sean Rider, Jeremy Steele, J.J. Michaels
.. Sharon Kane (Jamie Gillis probes her)
.. Stacy Valentine, Mark Davis, Nick East
.. Juli Ashton, Eric Monte, Dave Cummings
.. Peter North, Vicca {e.F}

Voice Over              Jack Baker
Miss Webster            Juli Ashton
Julius                  Jamie Gillis
Elevator Operators      Asia Carrera, Felecia
Megatron Girls          Sindee Coxx, Kim Kataine, Ashley Renee, Roxanne Hall
Nurse Goodbody          Jeanna Fine
Dr. Von Hasachub        Scotty Schwartz
Nurse Lacyunderall      Anna Malle
Virtual Stud            Sean Michaels
Silky Smooth            Ron Jeremy
New Wave Hooker #1      Sunset Thomas
New Wave Hooker #2      Stacy Valentine
Future NW Hooker #1     Nikita
Future NW Hooker #2     Lea Martini
Clown                   Bruno SX
Que X                   Vicca
Japanese Business Men   Sean Rider, Jeremy Steele, J.J Michaels
Monks                   Mark Davis, Nick East
Business Men            Eric Monte, Dave Cummings
Three Mega Splashers    Peter North


It's always a bad omen when a video starts with a lesbian scene, unless
the women are quickly joined by one or more males, but this video is
truly cursed--it starts off with back-to-back non-het scenes (the
second scene is a dance number than sex scene).

In fact it's over 60 minutes in to the video (half the running time)
before we ever see a cock entering a pussy.  What kind of sex film
is this?  An extremely boring a pretentious one, that's what kind.

To be fair, there is some anal penetration occurring a little
earlier.  But what's up with going straight for the ass?   The title
gives no indication that this was supposed to be an anally oriented
video.  Alright, so the original Dark Bros. material was anally
oriented and this is the Anal 90's, and all videos are in the shitter
literally or figuratively, or both.

When a cock finally does enter a pussy, it some fucking clown--literally.

What?  More fucking clowns?  Give me a fucking break.  Hasn't that been done
to death yet?.  It's not erotic.  It's not funny.  Maybe this is supposed to
be a tribute to Greg Dark, but it's pretty unimaginative.

Worse yet is the cable-ready editing.  The only time we see cock and pussy
together is in a close-up shot.  Anything approaching an explicit full-body
shot quickly cuts to yet another close-up.  Still more bad news is that in
most of the scenes the fuck with the frame speeds, so ever things has 
a slight jerky motion to it.  Near as I can tell every other frame is
held for two frames.

Scene Synopsis (Spoilers)

1) Voice over from Jack Baker describing the Pimpdom in the Sky, as
   Jamie Gillis, the supreme pimp daddy, and his accountant, Juli Ashton
   board a freight elevator, presumably going to the Pimpdom in the Sky
   The lift attendants, Asia Carrera and Felicia, work Ms. Ashton over
   on the way up.  Yawn...

2) They get off the lift in some sort of dark warehouse lab.  Here we see
   the Megatron girls in their little aviator caps go through MTV-style
   masturbation/dance sequence which reminded me a little of the famous
   "Serving the Machine" scene in Metropolis.  The girls are bouncing
   up and down on these shafts like pistons in engine.  Sort of 
   visually interesting, but you can't dance to it.

3) Dr. Nobody (Scotty Schwartz) shows Jamie the latest product under
   development.  A virtual imager that makes a persons fantasy appear
   on a screen.  He pointedly warns Jamie not to cross the controller
   with the screen or bad things will happen.  (Any guesses as to what 
   going to happen).

   Jamie tries it out, and uses the nurses as material and imagines then
   getting anally worked over a sort of black Apollo (Sean Michaels).
   Anna and Jeanna take turns deep throating Sean.  Probably sounds
   better than it actually is, at least I wasn't that impressed.

   Then Sean dives into their asses.  First Anna doggie-style then Jeannie
   in the missionary position.  Pretty brief without many full-body shots.

   Jeanna gets pissed at Jamie fantasies, grabs the controller, and
   flings it at the screen, opening a vortex to the virtual dimension,
   out of which pops Silky Ron Jeremy as a Cartoon-like pimp character 
   reminiscent of the Mask.

4) Silky brings a couple of his bitches with him, Sunset Thomas (Goddess!)
   and another women.  The Nurses detain Sunset for some "experimentation"
   (What, another lesbian scene?).  They discover when these virtual 
   characters come they disintegrate and return to the virtual dimension.
   (Damn, I wanted to see Sunset get fucked).

   Meanwhile, there's some schtick with Jeremy, Gillis and Kane.
   It isn't funny.  The animated video effects (ala the Mask), just
   look like cheap video effects.

5) Silky escapes and tries to pick up a couple of Russian hookers, but
   they won't give him the time of day.  Not even when he morphs himself
   into the King (Elvis).  His schtick is still unamusing.  

   Dr. Ubershaft shows up in a little red wagon, pull by a clown and
   chases Silky away.  The girls follow him and the clown back to the

   [OK. We're half-way through the videos running time now and we have yet
   to see any man stick his dick in a woman's pussy.  What kind of stupid
   sex video is this.

   In fact there's only been one het scene.  Three out of four scenes
   so far have been non-het,  The remain six scenes involve male/female
   interaction but two of them are non-coital, and they're all crammed
   it the last half of the video.  So even though they claim 10 scenes
   for this video were aren't really getting a lot of bang for our buck.]

   The clown screws one of the girls (Lea I think), while the other girl
   just hangs out.  Why is she even in the scene if she ain't gonna fuck?

   The scene is a total drag.  There's not one explicit full-body shot.

6) Vicca, Sean Rider, Jeremy Steele, J.J. Michaels
   Jamie lets 3 Japanese business men take the Que X--The Ultimate
   New Wave Hooker for a test drive.  This is pretty offensive.  The
   Japanese guys have buck teeth and coke-bottle glasses.  But then
   again, if you've ever been to a strip club in Hawaii (or Japan
   I suppose), You've probably experienced first hand just how rude
   and offensive drunk Japanese men can be.  
   There are a couple good shots of Vicca here, and the silly frame-speed
   effects aren't able to ruin them completely.

7) Sharon Kane (Jamie Gillis probes her with a dildo)
   Jamie is looking fit, and devilishly distinguished with his greying hair
   and beard, in his black Nehru jacket and his cool Lennon shades.  The
   long black finger Nail were a bit much.  He doesn't need them to exude
   an evil charm.

   Sharon looks good (great for a woman her age), but I'd rather see a younger
   woman actually get fucked, than this pseudo-sex scene with these
   two fossils--er, I mean Legends.

8) Stacy Valentine, Mark Davis, Nick East
   Mark and Nick are Monks.  They take Stacy on a bed while Jamie and
   one of the Megatron girls look on.

   I find Stacy very attractive, but there's not a lot of good material
   here, and that's marred by the herky-jerky video effects.  I have
   no idea what the scene has to do with the rest of the video.

9) Juli Ashton, Eric Monte, Dave Cummings

   Juli gives a presentation on the Corporation's expected profits on
   the VR device, to a couple of middle-aged businessmen.  Silky exercises
   some sort of control over them and soon they are dancing and cavorting,
   and then doing the nasty.

   Jesus, who wants to see old, unattractive men like this in a sex movie,
   even if they are boinking Ms. Ashton?  Monte is a pale flabby geek, and
   Dave has more grey hair on his back than on his head.

   Apparently not even the editor wanted to see it as he runs a good portion 
   of the scene at high speed, so you don't have too.

10) To stress test the Que X, Swartz proposes to use a Mega Splasher.
    (Guess who?).  Jamie says use three.

    Nurse Goodbody and Lacyunderall: Three Mega Splashers?  Holy fuck!

    There's no sex in this scene.  Vicca just sucks North for a bit
    and then he jacks off in her face.  It looked to me like North
    only came twice.  Once mostly on her chest, and once in her face,
    This material was shot from a few angles and the looped, and 
    flash-edited repeatedly to make it look more impressive.  It's
    somewhat effective, but I'd rather have just seen it from a couple
    of angles, without all the fancy editing.

Finally Silky Smooth shows up.  The Que X starts to get down on her knees,
and it's all Silky can take, he comes in his pants, and then disintegrates
back into the virtual dimension.  Fin.


I thought maybe I'd give Ninn another chance.  What was I thinking?
This is easily the worst of the series.  There's not a single memorable
scene, and no funky music from The Plugz.  Give it a pass.

If there were any truth in advertising laws governing porn video titles,
then this video would have been titled:

New Wave Hookers 5:
The Boring and Pretentious, Cable-Ready, Anal Lesbian and Geriatric Generation

Created: December 12, 1997 -- 04:44 PM
Last Updated: