The Imperial Reviews: Volume 14

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John Stagliano converts yet another pervert with his brilliant "Inferno"

I have to admit that I've never been a big fan of John Stagliano's. I have seen something like 3 Buttman movies (the original, "Ultimate Workout" and the first "Big Tit Adventure) and though they are doubtlessly superior movies (particularly "Workout" -BTW I was fortunate enough to see that in Europe, so the Alexandria Quinn-Rocco-Sunny Mc Kay 3some was included) they didn't do much for me. It's not that I am not a fan of the female prosterior; but, being a fan of the whole girl instead, I found those endless butt shots boring. So when one of my pals at my local House of Smut put "Buttman's Inferno" in my hands, I hesitated. Still, it was a freebie and I am not one to ignore recommendations. So I rented it.

And kept it for a whole damn week! I haven't had such a good time with a porno for a long while. I mean a good time, as in "a good time at the movies". Suddenly Stagliano's formula clicked with me and I found myself giggling uncontrollably to the lines and sharing at least some portion of John's pet perversion.

Stagliano is a master in getting you all worked up without showing any nudity, much less penetration. It may be that all those "My God" and "Jeeezus" rantings every time a girl bends over to pick up a pencil appeal to the dirty old man hiding inside me. Perhaps I'm getting old and becoming a dirty old man myself. Whatever. The thing is that throughout the two and a half hours of this lovely little tape, I never once pressed FF; as a matter of fact I more than once pressed that disused rewind key :-)

The video starts with John filming his house burning down during the Malibu fires last November; I do feel sorry for him but the whole exchange with Patrick Collins is hilarious: "Perhaps we should get a girl here to film a scene" :-)

Anyway, once this intro is over (I advice you not to FF through it even if horny and chafing at the bit to see some flesh), John and Patrick go to New Zealand to find their old star Angela Summers who's on a dance tour there. They get into the bar where she works and encounter a near riot of several very vocal Kiwi girls trying to force Jerry Pike (supposedly a waiter there) to strip. John offers to strip instead -quite funny. Eventually Jerry Pike strips himself and lets the girls fondle him (including several BJ's and some tit fucking). No cum shot, but overall this is a fun scene. Then Angela comes out and strips. Normally I would declare this "bo-ring" but I like Angela a lot, so I recommend you to sit back and enjoy the view.

OK, now we get to the sex (at last -that's something like 45 minutes into the tape). John tries to hire Jerry as a porn actor, when one of the Kiwi girls of the previous night's show, shows up. Well, they fuck (as you probably guessed). She is pretty but not gorgeous. Very natural looking. Some RC. Good scene.

The following day John and Patrick go to "Video Wholesalers" to meet Angela again. She is there autographing her tapes for the fans and (surprise-surprise) the action gets a bit risque. Damn, such things never happen in *my* store :-). Great scene; a lot of camera-fawning over Angela's admittedly impressive buttocks, several BJ's, one penetrational scene, incl, RC. Excellent. Angela is gorgeous and very sweet as usual. She has a few extra pounds that are just perfect for "Buttman"-type roles.

Our hero comes back to the US. In -rather rainy!- San Diego he meets another butt-oriented pervert (Tim Lake) and they both pick up Krysti Lynn. I didn't like her much until I saw this movi,e but now I must say I'm inpressed. They go to her place where after a lot of hiding and sneak peeking, they are joined by Krysti's roomate, the voluptuous Sheena, and her boyfriend. Sheena is a gorgeous, big gal, with large real breasts;

[Update 6/6/1995. Bollocks. I was fooled. They are fake, but of the Celeste/Sandra Scream variety]
She also has a nipple ring, but I didn't get too mad this time (I normally hate piercing). You see this scene is extremely long and hot. It's got preety much everything you want, incl RC and anal on Krysti Lynn.

Finally John goes back to LA where he convinces Patrick's secretary (Jasper) to come along to spy on Buck Adams and a girl called Tifanny (I think). Buck ses them and, as you would expect, invites the in. Good scene. Jasper has a -decent- boob job but is quite pretty. Tiffany has large, real boobs. No RCs here but some anal on Tiffany. The video ends here, rahter abruptly.

BTW Buck wears an "Amber Lynn" T-shirt. Cracked me up :-)

The Imperial Verdict: RUN, don't walk, and grab this. Great entertainment, and not only from a pervert's point of view. I don't know how Stagliano fans will rate this compared with his previous work, but it sure did the trick for me. A 3.60; my confidence in today's porn is renewed.

Lucy Makes It Big

Mindless mid-80s rip-off of TV's "Lucy". Stupid. Blondie, Keisha, Rachel Ashley among others. Standard and unexciting fare, though not horrid by any means. Tony Montana is of course here and he looks more than ever like a pimp. I mean he has everything: the seedy look, the name (I guess ripped off Stone's 1983 "Scarface"), the attitude. He screws around, his moll (Blondie) doesn't get near anybody else. She seems infatuated in him and yes, this shows even on a video. Disgusting.

Rating: 2.25

Lady in Blue

Another cheapo, but value for money. I got this on the dollar rack, but it's good even for full rental. Lauren Brice, Victoria Paris, Ashley Dunn, Peter North. 5 couple scenes (one girl-girl between Ashley and Lauren). The g-g and Ashley's boy-girl are forgettable and lukewarm. Lauren's boy-girl and Victoria's back-to-back scenes however are very hot. Excellent camera angles show both gals in their full glory. Victoria is looking as good as I've ever seen her. Several positions, nothing imaginative but all very enjoyable. Heartily recommended as an "ordinary" rental, though it's advisable to use it as an "insurance" second rental when you feel you are taking a chance with one of the glossy feature films.

Rating 2.85

Bare Market

Check this cast out: PJ Sparxx, Alex Jordan, Sunset Thomas (original chest), Nicole London, Francesca Le + assorted Fellas. If you expect a cauldron of heat, tough luck. This is barely palatable and all the above resources are being shamelessly wasted. PJ only does girls as usual. Nicole London does some anal. Francesca is, as I recall, in only one scene. Perhaps Dunbar or Frans might like to come up with one of their impressive database entries to prove me wrong again :-) Best scene by far is a 3some between Sunset, Alex and a Fella (could be North, could be Byron, I honestly don't remember).

Rating 2.40

Bonnie & Clyde 1: Outlaws of Love

Impressive cast again (Ashlyn Gere, Raquel, Nikki Dial, Francesca Le, Alex Jordan), terrible utilization. Bloody Paul Thomas! This is a ripoff. Only FOUR scenes, one of which is a long masturbatrion scene with Raquel. The first scene (Ashlyn-Randy West) sucks. Then comes the masturbation. The final scene is Raquel and the obligatory Derric Lane (whom, somewhat inexplicably, I find quite repulsive, in an oily sort of way, even more repulsive than the Hedge. Could it be the grossly pumped body? At least he's not like Tony Montana, since he stays with Raquel as well -fair's fair). Yawner, plus the camera work is horrendous. It is obvious that PT is catering for the spineless cable market and so we get only very remote full body shots or extreme closeups that remind me of the horror film "The attack of the 50' dick" or "The All-devouring pussy from Hell. I don't know if it's PT's or the editors fault, but it sure pissed me off.

I have intentionally skiped scene no 3. This is good for a change. Francesca, Nikki, plus 2 Fellas. Some g-g, then some good 4some action, finally two couples action. PT mostly centres on Nikki's remarkable body (not that I'm complaining :-)), so Francesca gets the short end of the stick. There are several very nice half-body shots of her giving head.

Rating: 1.10. Alex Jordan doesn't do any scenes ("coming up in Part 2" they said). Avoid.

Samantha's Private Fantasies

Yeah, right, like we'd fall for that. Anyway, this is Samantha Strong's and Robert McCallum's dress rehearshal for the superb "Erotika". Most of the cast is already assembled (Sam, Vince Voyeur, Jonathan Morgan, Porsche Lynn), so I guess that both movies were shot back to back or close to that. This is a VIDEO (as opposed to film in "Erotika") and has NO outdoor shots. The camera work is again absolutely superb. Of the 90 minutes (genuine 90, not 75, nor 80) of the movie, I would say that about 70 are pure sex and of that only 10 or so are closeups. Yes, we are talking about an hour of full body shots. There are 7 scenes, 6 of which feature Samantha being shagged in a variety of positions. There are two 3somes (with 2 guys), one g-g (with Tianna Taylor), and 3 normal b-g's. Apart from the guys I have already mentioned, Gerry Pike and Tom Byron are featured as well.

If you like Samantha, this one is for you. It's better than any compilation with her that can be found out there. You can see her well and all scenes are long. I have to admit that there is not too much heat in most of them (the g-g is particularly uninspired); and, even though I like Samantha, it does get a bit boring after a while. From the point of view of repertoire, it's mostly missionary-doggy, with some very brief RC (not too much forward cowgirl amazingly enough). Sam takes a digit up the ass (that massage scene is actually quite good overall), but that's about it.

The Imperial Verdict: Good, if somewhat standard, fare featuring one of the prettiest porn mainstays around. I must admit here that video is cruel: Sam's imperfections (cellulite, stretch lines in her boobs - she has put on a pair of very small implants) show mercilessly. The contemporary film version ("Erotika") hides them all very effectively. Also, like Shayla, Sam uses a LOT of makeup (I hate this) and a lot of dark shades that contrast badly with her light complexion. This doesn't mean that I like Sam any less. If anything, these imperfections make her seem more real (she should do something about those bloody eyeshades though :-))

Rating: 2.90

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Created: Saturday, November 04, 1995, 10:27:31 AM