The Imperial Reviews: Volume 12

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Nice day today, so I went to the ol' House of Smut to check out things. Lots of new stuff has arrived, including a "Blondage" feature (with sex as well as dancing from what I gathered from the blurb) and a new Bud Lee horror, featuring however Janine, Leslie Glass and Asia Carrera (nice casting!). I hesitated long before renting new stuff. Unfortunately the recent talk about the wonderful 70s and our horrible present has managed to destroy my enjoyment of the Golden Age masterpieces: I spend more time whining than watching the film and in the end I become depressed. So I passed on the classics today.

Images of Desire

No, not "Elements", nor "Art"; just "Images". Well, this annoyed me as hell. That John T. Bone lamer casts Victoria Paris, Raven, Samantha Strong, Deidre Holland, Madison, Chessie Moore, Viper (yuck), Jeanna Fine, Candice Hart and a host of men; he has a good plot initially (about a pair of mainstream movie writers turning to porn scripts to make bucks) with rather sparkling dialog (for a porn flick, OK?); he starts with 2 good scenes (the second one - a 3some on Raven by Marc Wallice and another Fella - being very good) and then HE BLOWS IT. Literally. I mean the rest of the sex scenes are virtually all blowjobs. Samantha Strong and Viper do NOT have any sex. Chessie Moore (looking horrible) only masturbates. A gang-bang on Jeanna miscarries. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SEX IN THIS MOVIE! Resources are blatantly wasted. A horror.

Rating: 1.00 (subjective mark: 0.50). Avoid.

Private Performance

Talk about a lame plot. Asia Carrera directs some silly live sex show. Also starring are Norma Jeane, Chayse Manhattan (who the fuck thinks of those terrible stagenames? Somebody shoot him please), Kaitlin Ashley, Tammi Ann, Joey Silvera plus 2 more Fellas. Very standard fare, with good looking stars and better than average camera work. First scene is outdoors (nice) between Kaitlyn and a Fella. I like Kaitlin despite the fake chest. The scene is good -lots of breast play. Then Joey Silvera (still sporting that cool beard he had in "Shayla's Gang") does Tammi Ann. This one is fun; Silvera goes straight for the butt. No cunnilingus, no normal intercourse. A little blowing and then up the ass he goes. Very good scene (as usual with Tammi), includes RAC (reverse cowgirl with anal insertion for you newbies :-)). A double plus I guess.

Then Asia does a girl-girl with Norma Jeane. VERY boring. I was a little disappointed, 'cos I like both ladies and I can't stand such a waste of resources. After that a Fella does Chayse. Another very pretty lady, despite her boob job. Standard stuff. Finally Asia screws a guy outdoors (poolside). Rather boring and the camera work left much to be desired.

The Imperial Verdict: This is not a bad video. There are pretty stars, two outdoor scenes and a good anal. Unfortunately it is obvious that this was a typical one-day shoot: despite the good camera work the scenes are clearly rushed and the result is watchable but uninspired. Rating 2.55

Hello Norma Jeane

That must have been the "twin" video of the one reviewed above. Norma Jeane, Tammi Ann, Chayse Manhattan, this time paired with Wallice, West and several other fellas. No Asia Carrera unfortunately. This is slightly better: Norma Jeane has two boy-girl scenes, one outdoors in a convertible and another in (and around :-)) a bathtub. Wallice and Tammi Ann are once again the highlight of the show. I want to meet Tammi's proctologist; he must have interesting things to say :-)

The Verdict: a bit better than the previous one, probably beacuse they took a little more time to arrange the shoot. The sex is again rather bland, but watchable. Rating 2.70

Foxy Lady 1

European raunch, unfortunately dubbed in English. Ms. Orlowski must also have an interesting proctological history. She is in two scenes. One standard boy-girl ("standard" in Euro porn means "her butt is blasted away") and a big gang-bang in the end with a ton of anal, one TP and then one DP (face up). There are 3 more scenes, all 3somes (2 guys-1 girl). The girls look OK, the guys are slimeballs. NO ANAL - you've been warned.

Rating: 2.30. Teresa looks old. A forgettable video, barely worth the rental. Go for some other Euro stuff if you have a choice.

Swedish Erotica Hard: Double Dicked/Double Licked

I can't remember the number. CAUTION: this is NOT the "Red box" Swedish Erotica that has become legendary (and exceedingly rare). It's a "yellow" box re-release of mostly 80s loops, with the sound supposedly enhanced (it still sucked). This particular video is very enjoyable. There are 4 half-hour loops: the first 3 are excellent.
  1. Sherri St. Clair does Buck Adams and Billy Dee while a pretty brunnette (whom I could not place -she looked like a hardcore version of Sylvia Kristel - a bit of national pride there, Peter? :-)) masturbates. Nice scene. A long reverse cowgirl followed by anal AND DP
  2. Lois Ayres screws Tom Byron (blonde variant! - yuck) while another blonde does Herschel Savage next room. Not bad.
  3. Robert Bullock does a radiant Nikki Charm, while Buck Adams and Taija Rae spy on them (and screw of course). Very good scene -excellent cast, good camera work.
  4. Billy Dee spies on two women I could not recognize, doing the ol' rug-munch sequence (bo-ring!). Then they have a 3some. Bo-ring again.
Overall this is a good collection. Rent it on a night you want to watch a lot of solid sex without plot and fillers like that. Rating: 3.00 That should keep you going for a week or so. Next time I hope I can review some classics -i.e if I can get my ass to stop snivelling and concentrate on reviewing.

Ninn's SEX. All hurl at VCA's masterpiece

So this is the movie that is supposed to be the best of all time? The flick that claims to be superior to "7 into Snowy" and "Barbara Broadcast" and "A coming of Angels"? I was honestly going to buy AVN tomorrow (for the first time) after Peter's recommendation. It is obvious however that I don't have money to spare for yet another marketing tool of the industry. Wasting my money on their inconsistent product is enough; I refuse to be caught in the hype as well.

[Conspiracy theory removed 6/6/1995. I still stand by my opinion]
Michael Ninn's "Sex" [...], the "highest ever rated movie" (AVN) and "best movie of all time" (AFW) is unequivocally TERRIBLE. "Night Trips II" is a masterpiece compared with this monstrosity. I don't have enough derogatory adjectives in my vocabulary to sufficiently dismiss it with. It is inane, pretentious, pseudo-artistic, absolutely not erotic at all. A lot of high grade film wasted. True, the photography is passable (the camera work however is odious) and the sound is better than your average one-day wonder; the make-up is impressive. But that sums up the films positive points. The negative ones will take up some serious space.

The plot is not only dumb; it is offensive. It insults one's intelligence. The usual crap about the young stud leaving home to "search for himself", then become involved with the evil, power-hungry executives "who make their shady deals in their posh offices", selling to them his "creativity" while "forsaking what is really worthwhile", is brought to a new pinnacle of stupidity. For minutes upon long minutes we get quasi-metalloid Gerry Pike, Arnie-like accent and all, philosophising about the meaning of life. As convincing as Stallone wearing metal-rimmed round glasses so that he appears an intellectual. The acting, all-around, is excreable. Perhaps more annoying of all is Tifanny Million and John Dough; and being veterans (I mean Dough) they have no excuse.

A lot of money is obviously wasted on special effects. The result is like a shitty MTV clip; the parallel is even more successful (IMHO always :-)) since MTV also promotes whichever inane band they believe should give the most return. The whole spectrum of fast camera changes, cheesy slo-mo and dry ice (of course) is there, with the result of obscuring the already poor shots.

The women wear "erotic" (my ass) attire: the umpteenth leather/rubber outfit, the occassional "sexy" zipper, a couple of nipple rings and chains (Misty Rain). Oh yes, and really long stilletoes with SPURS for God's sake. How erotic - watch out I'm creaming. :-)

The cast is not that great (though not bad): Sunset Thomas, despite the new set of boobs is admittedly ravishing. One thing that pissed me off was that perpetual scowl she was wearing on her face (see the box of SEX as well as its sequel SEX 2). Come one Sunset; you are such a pretty girl with such a sweet smile - ditch the "vamp" look. Asia Carrera looks great as usual. From that point, I am not impressed. I hate Tiffany Million and all the friggin' metalloids that have flooded the industry; these guys spend more time arranging their flowing mane than the girls (and I don't mean during sex). Debbie Diamond (who has suddenly become a huge star) does her usual wild stuff (incl. anal), but as I have said elsewhere, she grosses me out. That's admittedly a matter of taste - I have not taken this into account at the dismal rating that will conclude this review. Saddest of all, Deidre Holland now has implants. Bad ones. You may whine.

With the exception of the first scene (Gerry and Sunset in a car somewhere in the Nevada desert - getting more popular by the day :-)) , the rest of the sex scenes are thoroughly botched. No heat. Boring. Obscured. Pretentious. Distracting. TERRIBLE.

Sunset doesn't have a second scene. Deidre should better not done hers either - seeing her mutilated chest left me fuming.

Enough. You get the idea. I guess people who disagree with me on Blake will think that I am trashing a similar picture. I am not; believe me. Blake is unexciting and pretentious, it's true. *This* is insulting and horrid. Avoid.

Rating: 0.50. AVN and AFW both get a 0.00 and will probably have to do without my business for a long time.

Oh yeah. They are also selling the soundtrack in CD. The music wasn't any good *with* the sex, who's gonna buy the track alone? The fanatic supporters of the movie? There's a good laugh.

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Created: Saturday, November 04, 1995, 10:27:31 AM